Tom's Diary

12:30 AM: [First Love] just got home from her day out at Kenneywood Park with that interloper friend of hers.  I’m so hurt and angry that I’m finding it difficult to say anything to her.

01:30 AM: Well, we fought.  I told her in no uncertain terms that I disapproved of her spending any time at all with that ex boyfriend of hers, that I knew he had designs on her, and that she was really blind if she couldn’t see it.  She said to me in equally certain language that she and he were just friends and that she’d continue going out with him as much as she wanted. 

02:00 AM: It ended up that she broke down and cried, and so did I too.  I’d never experienced how it felt to hurt someone so much with my words, that they cry out just as profusely as if I’d struck them with a baseball bat.    I didn’t like having that power, though I felt strongly compelled to voice my hurt to [First Love].  Eventually, we got into our queen-sized bed and drifted off to sleep.

04:30 AM: Mom just called to say that   Gram Jewell passed away several hours ago.  For details, click   here. 

12:00 PM: I feared riding the bus home because I might start crying out loud.  [First Love], in spite of our fight that had not really been resolved, forgot all about that, and supported me in my distress the best that anyone could.  She talked to me throughout the day today as much as I wished, and let me alone too when I desired it.  She held my hand, fixed me breakfast, danced with me to Stacy Lattisaw’s hit   Let Me Be Your Angel,   which the radio stations had just started playing,  and while we danced, she encouraged me to cry as much as I needed. She even offered to ride to Altoona with me to help me retain my composure while in public.  The plan was that she’d come back to Pittsburgh on the next bus. But unfortunately, that  westbound bus didn’t leave ’til the next day, and she was uncomfortable with staying with me and my family overnight, during this very sad time.  She just didn’t want to intrude I believe.

04:00 PM: So I alone am heading for downtown to catch the bus in a few minutes.  It’s warm but gray outside today and I’ve heard several thunderstorms thumping about all day.  Hmmm.  I hope I can keep it together, and not cry until I get home to my little yet very private bedroom.  I hope I don’t get too wet; I have no umbrella. 

08:45 PM: Sister Mary Ann picked me up at the Altoona bus terminal, and during the drive home to Third Street, we talked very little.  I just didn’t feel like talking much; drained from the fight with [First Love] and the loss of my grandmother, all within twelve hours of one another. 

11:00 PM: I must have cried for nearly an hour, and I’m very tired after so little good sleep last night.  So I’m going to bed.  More later. 

Tom Hesley

Related Posts

• Gram Jewell Died
• Today’s Business: 2010-02-02

I received a call from Mom at 4:30 this morning, informing me that Grandma Jewell  passed away. 

It took several hours for the message to sink in, and during that time, I experienced no urge to cry.  In fact, I felt no sadness whatsover at first.  What I felt instead was shame and guilt, over not having a stronger, more teary reaction to this (what should have been) very sad news. 

I justified my lacking emotion with the assurance that we’ve known since February that Gram would soon die, and that in all those months since, I had already mourned her coming death as much as I was going to.  So there should be no tears left to cry now.  Also, [First Love] and I had just made up from a fight the previous evening; a disagreement over which I cried profusely.  Thus, simply put: I reasoned that I was all cried out, though I pondered more than a few times this morning, over the notion that I wasn’t crying over Gram, because I’m just a cold person who cares not a bit about this wonderful woman, who gave so much of herself to me over the past nineteen years.

But then, as I lay there in our queen-sized bed, looking up at the yellowed ceiling tiles, and watching the new day growing brighter through the windows, I began drifting in and out of sleep, and dreaming.  I dreamed of Mom’s call, when she said, “Your grandmother died.”  The phrase, “she died,” kept playing over and over in my mind, and growing louder each time.  “She died.  She died, … SHE DIED!”  Mom was screaming the phrase at me at this point as if to ask, “What’s the matter with you?  I just told you that your grandmother died, and you just sit there like a lump, all cold and collected.  Didn’t she ever mean anything to you?” 

I woke up at the last, “SHE DIED!” scream, and then, I was crying, like a baby.  The full and harsh reality of Mom’s call a couple hours ago came upon me then, and I cried for the better part of an hour; not just a whimper, but a full-fledged, all-out cry; not quite hysterical, but close.

[First Love] comforted me as best she could, knowing that this was my first time losing a grandmother.  But I think the depth of my sorrow surprised her.  She never knew Gram, and I hadn’t talked much about Gram with [First Love] in all the ten years that I’ve known her.  Nonetheless, I cried so many tears throughout this awful day. that [First Love] realized just how much Gram meant to me.  If [First Love] ever thought me to be a heartless man before, I trust now that any doubts she may have had about how strongly I can feel, were put to rest this morning.

I’ll be heading home to be with the family this afternoon, on the 5:45 PM Greyhound bus.

Tom Hesley

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• Gram Hesley Died
• Why Do I Stay?

12:00 PM: [First Love] and a male friend (as she calls him) went out to Kenneywood Park this morning.  I wasn’t crazy about her spending the entire day with him but she assured me that she had no romantic interest in him.  This comforted me.

11:00 PM: They’re still not back yet, and they’ve been out for over twelve hours and I’m upset again. When she gets home, she and I are really going to have it out.

Tom Hesley

Related Posts

• Today’s Business: 2010-02-02

12:00 PM: Visited Gram Jewell at the nursing home.  Though she hasn’t recognized anybody for a couple weeks now, she knew who I was and smiled as I entered.  She looked so sick.

08:00 PM: Rode the Greyhound bus to Pittsburgh, to meet [First Love] at our apartment on Jackson Street.

Tom Hesley

Related Posts

• Gram Jewell Died
• Today’s Business: 2010-02-02