Tom's Diary

From audio journal episode: AJE-2002-01-05-12-39.

One of the many things causing me angst at work is the realization that others are doing certain jobs more effectively than me.  The question is: Does that make me a worthless person?  Or, is it really such a horrible thing that people perform better than I?  I’m referring to a particular coworker, [Arnie], who was alleged by our boss to be performing my former duties with less friction and thus, much more effectively than I did.  This really bothered me because I read it to mean that, oh God, what’s wrong with me?  Am I a bad person?  Am I inadequate because of this?  Of course, the answer is NO.  I am not.  I want to explore this notion a little bit. 

What makes me perform well or poorly?  Clearly, some of it is willpower – sheer control and discipline.  Other parts of it involve factors that are way beyond my control.  One of those unmanageable things at present is that I do not have the heart to continue working in a group of people where I do not control very much of what we’re doing.  I need to be in my castle, where I do control just about everything, and where I need not interact with the outside world each and every day, many times a day. 

I work best alone, because my background and experience, as I’ve indicated, has shaped me to function well in solitude.  Yes, while it’s true that perhaps the way the kids ridiculed me as a youngster, instilled in me the adult this phobia of groups, the fact is that despite that, I really like the me that those experiences helped to create.  I enjoy working alone and not having to consult with someone else about nearly my every move, even if that means less money.  I hate the almost-continuous debates over “the best” way to design a component, and I’m not interested in denying the person I am in order to win favored status from bosses and coworkers.  But since I must continue working in a corporation for at least a year or two more, I’ll try to have an open mind, and look for insights to help in moderating if not undoing this aversion to working collectively.  But I’m doubtful about how much I’ll be able to change this, as it’s been with me for so long, and since I like it so much.  It’s unrealistic to think that I’ll make very drastic improvements to some of the most basic elements of my personality at this late stage of the game, which is what I believe I’d have to do, in order to “fix” this.  The fact is, I don’t want to change.  I am (and should be viewed as) good enough, as I am, by others.  If they don’t think so, then I’d rather leave the group and endure all that that entails, rather than force myself to fit into it. 

This “problem” might have less of a negative impact if I could surround myself with people who actually do approve of me.  They are out there, because I’ve worked with many over the years, and have the glowing performance appraisals to prove it.  If I must work with people, then it works best when they’re bolstering and helping me rather than fighting me.  I think that moving to Altoona will help secure such a circle, especially in my interim DJ business, where I am the boss. But I wish not to focus primarily on changing myself for the corporation.  I’m not sure that it’s necessary to change, particularly since I’m on my way to establishing a career (my writing career) where I can, for the most part, work alone.  Yes, those teasing children perhaps shaped me into a loner.  But I can still do quite well  as  a loner. 

Even though I am a loner, I still have chances to make my dreams come true. I’ve had chronic trouble approaching women, and I think that issue stems from my loner tendencies.  I’ve incurred a lot of disapproval in my life, and I’m only just now understanding how I must somehow desensitize myself to that, and to appreciate the idea that humility is not such a big thing.  Shame is a paper tiger, unless of course, I’ve done something that violates my internal code of ethics.  But the shame that results from disapproval of others, as long as I’ve been true to my own ideals and have hurt no one, is meaningless even though the feelings associated with this emotion can be quite poignant.  I’d like to reach the state where I’m not ashamed of the things that I do, and less fearful of the consequences of my social endeavors.  I’ll keep working on that. 

But even if I don’t achieve a sense of ultra self-confidence, where I know implicitly that the way I’m living my life is right for me; even if I don’t figure out how to become this worldly sort of person with gobs and gobs of self-esteem and yet avoid becoming overly arrogant, where I think enough of myself (and not so much of others) that I’m not bothered when they disapprove of me; even if I don’t achieve all that, I can still cultivate approval from the groups with which I must interact.   Given my past, I do require some approval to feel “whole.”  I admit that.  I am working to reduce that need because it’s caused me much pain when it’s not fulfilled. But even if I cannot rid myself of that need for others’ approval, then the next best alternative would be to surround myself with people that offer up lots of approval and sanction.  I hope to achieve this in some degree through my writing. 

I in fact wish to surround myself with people who approve of me.  So perhaps it’s not all groups that I dislike; only those collectives where approval of me is scarce, or who are always after me to do something more or better than I’ve done so far.  I like groups who accept what I do, pretty much as I do it, without ordering too much modification very often.  So I guess I’m not a complete recluse, though I’ve often used seclusion to avoid group disapproval.  In groups where approval and respect are abundant, I thrive, and actually do enjoy working with others. 

But I want to work at my own pace.  That’s the thing.  It’s not that the corporate collective methodology is particularly bad.  But the higher I’ve progressed on the corporate ladder, the more reluctant people are to offer approval. I don’t care for the humiliation of a mediocre performance appraisal.  But a lot of the other aspects of corporate life, such as the software coding aspects are pretty neat, as long as there’s not too much work lain at my feet, and the schedules for completion aren’t too aggressive. 

I do work slower, largely due to my weak vision.  That’s a fact.  What’s also true is that those who have full sight will generally work faster than I.  These are basic and inalienable truths of my existence.  But this doesn’t suggest that there’s anything wrong with me or that I’m any less worthy of approval and respect, just because I might work a little slower in some situations.  So it’s foolish of me – just plain foolish – to repeatedly beat myself up because I can’t compete in as much of the corporate realm as someone fully-functioning could. 

I don’t even know that I have to compete anymore.  I think, with writing, the frontiers are just limitless.  There’s anyone of billions of things I could write about in this universe.  So I should be able to find a way to be successful while avoiding the confrontation.  Confrontation is a bad thing.  Resolving disputes through the sorts of argumentative confrontation that I’ve experienced way too much of recently, is fraught with dangers of losing friendships, or in some rare cases, losing one’s life.  So I don’t wish to confront if there are other ways of dealing with disagreements. 

There’s room enough in this universe for everybody’s views that cares to write about them, and I do care to write about mine; I’ll just do so, largely alone, because when approval is not immediately forthcoming from a group, as has been the case with most groups in which I’ve participated, I’d just as soon avoid the group concept altogether, and make my mark all by myself. 

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