That Wicked Third Person
From audio journal episode: 2002-01-05-17-01.
I was just reminiscing about Philly; my first couple of years there in 1997, 1998, and well into 1999, when I bowled at Erie Lanes on Erie Ave; near Erie and Torresdale. Boy, that was a rough area. Things were run down all; you know, the same old, American city story. Run down, run down, run down. I was remembering [HF] and [May]. [May] was [HF]’s daughter, and [HF]’s husband used to bowl with us too, although I don’t remember his name. Then some of my other friends came to mind, like [DTC], and the [Billings], whose marriage eventually broke up. Their breakup surprised me, because the first year, the wife seemed so happy. But now that I think about it, the husband was usually quite reserved and non expressive about the marriage. There was [Brother], and [Father], and Bill Gordon, who recently passed away. Those were terrific years.
In addition to our regular weekly bowls, I remembered one night in early 1999 that I bowled with [Kar] and her coworkers at Wal Mart. As the night progressed, [Kar] decided that she did not wish to drive me home; she was tired and the alley was rather far from my apartment. So began looking to find a ride for me, back to the Oxford Circle area where I lived at the time. I heard her talking to some of her girlfriends about it.
Their talking about me in the third person, as though I wasn’t even there, quite perturbed me. [Kar] said to them, “Oh, he might not be able to tell you how to get to his place. So be sure you fully understand my directions.” Then, irritated that [Kar] had so underestimated my abilities and then broadcast that estimate to her friends, drove me to snap back, “I do in fact, know how to get back to my house when we reach the general area where I live.” Then, one woman that [Kar] was talking to got irritated back at me. But ironically, this was the lady that ended up taking me home.
Now, what did I learn from this? I hate being underestimated; particularly by someone like [Kar], who at that time had known me for nearly a half a year. Further, even if people talk about me as that dreaded third person, like I’m not even there, I am not allowed to grow angry. Anger is non excusable, Thomas. It’s an immature, spoiled way to behave. People get angry because it can give them an easy way to manipulate those around them. But getting angry is the wrong way to get people to do as you would have them do.
However, I will not stand by and say nothing, while people speak of me in the third person. If I’m standing there, I will remind them that I’m right there. Talk to me. Include me in your conversation. But don’t talk about me as though I’m not here. Nothing wrong with saying that. Absolute nothing wrong with that at all. If people do things that bother me, I should, in a non-angry way, let them know that in a diplomatic fashion. The idea is to voice my discontent without appearing too discontent. I just want to make sure that they understand that I’m there, and am worthy of their regard as a completely functioning person. I aspire to be firm yet nice about it as well. I could have just said quietly, “I know how to get home. Don’t worry.” As difficult as it is to keep from over-reacting in these situations, I really do not wish to go overboard. All I’m interested in doing is conveying the message in as nice a way as possible, that I am capable, and that that third-person style of conversation about me, offends me. But I wish not to be mean about it either, because whether I’m wrong or right, snapping at them too much will turn them off, and this I strive to avoid.
The fact is that even in my own business, I’ll need some people’s approval to do well. I’m honing my people skills (as my manager has advised me to do). If I can’t get this right, it could impact me in my writing business. So I do desire to get better at expressing myself in the most benevolent, non-hostile ways possible, even when confronting others about things they’re doing that bother me.
Tom Hesley