Thoughts On Philly: 2002-01-05
From audio journal episode: AJE-2002-01-05-12-39.
Let’s summarize the stat of my union as it stands today.
I’m not thinking a whole lot about Philadelphia these days. In fact, I’ve been keeping so busy around here that I haven’t had time to lament the loss of the Philly life style, which I loved so much. I also feel that those tapes that I made last week at the apartment (I visited that place for the last time one week ago today) really helped me to make peace with my decision to leave; to avoid seeing that departure as a failure, and to realize that given my current circumstances and life plan, that I really had no choice but to go.
It was not a failure, because though moving there never yielded what I hoped, hey, at least I tried, real hard. Heaven knows, I approached hundreds of women, and put the best effort I could into it. I spent thousands of hours riding the trains, walking the streets and malls, and visiting the museums and night spots. Though I never really won my love quest there, I’m still very proud of the effort I put forth. Given what I knew at the time, I did the best I could.
You remember that metaphor I used often during this past year in Philly as I lost weight? I’d envision this train moving forward. When I’d gain weight, that imaginary train would abruptly stop, and then begin moving backward on the tracks. Plus, based on the dietary changes I made in Philly while living there, I now have some effective practices and procedures in place up here; drinking lots of extra water, which I’ve known about for a very long time.
But now I’m getting more comfortable with the notion of making a go of it here in Altoona; where I’m gong to be based for the foreseeable future. In fact, a friend, [BF], at Christine’s last night, asked me if I could have afforded a home in Philadelphia, would I have stayed there. Or, will I go back there when and if I accumulate enough money to afford a quiet yet accessible place near that city? I had to ponder this for a few minutes. It’s a very good question, and the answer is that I really don’t know. I told [BF] that life has thrown me some surprising curves in the past. Even the things I’m planning on doing now are very subject to external influences. For instance if Mom was to pass away tomorrow, things would change radically. The figurative landscape before me would shift a great deal, and my life plan would necessarily require alteration. I’d have to re evaluate, and figure out at that point, what I really would like to do, based on the new life arrangements I’d have to make in light of Mom’s death. Since I’ll not be able to save enough money to make that dream come true for the next several years anyhow, I just told [Bf] that I honestly don’t know what the future holds. I’d like to return to Philly. But then, given my recent bad experiences there, I kind of like living here in Altoona as well. Right now therefore, I have no immediate plans to move to southeastern PA again. But I may decide to do it down the road, if fate and my desire favor it.