Dear [Mentat],
About Rich: Yes, I think your description of him accurate. Come to think of it, I’ve never seen him really get excited about anything. Even at his law school graduation dinner at Didio’s in 1986 (remember that?), he did not seem overjoyed. Did he even laugh once? Then, there was his wedding in 1982. Same thing. Little visible happiness. All the pictures I have of him show an expressionless face. And on those occasions when he does smile, it looks stilted, rehearsed, and forced. Nothing markedly genuine about it. At that dinner, he was just kind of quiet, as though to say, “Yes, this is great but this is simply another thing in life I had to do. Ho-Hum.”
No, you’re right. He’s not happy, and never has been as long as I can remember. Occasionally, he’s expressed joy when getting good deals at the flea market, or talking about old time radio, or listening to a Pirates game when they’re winning. But over all, his demeanor screams melancholy. Though he’s married and living the American Dream, he is by no means self-actualizing. He’s generous, but not loving, and caring but not empathetic. He’s expressed discontent regarding his job and how unfairly he’s treated there, and never talks passionately about his work to me. And, it seems like he’s only managed to connect with five or less coworkers in his entire seventeen years [at his job]. So I doubt that he’s any more fulfilled at the level four esteem needs than am I [referencing here, Maslow's hierarchy of needs triangle]. He may have the advantage at level three, but only insofar as he’s got a steady supply of intimacy. But he doesn’t have much of one, as evidenced by his chronic glumness all through his marriage.
His situation indeed bolsters your argument that a love relationship does not alone create happiness. Though [his wife] can be a bear herself, she does nonetheless, devote an unusually large part of herself to him and his needs. I’d say therefore, that it appears that she’s more self-actualizing than he is, and thus happier. Indeed, she’s much more given to hearty, sincere laughter than he is. Ironically, their relationship may benefit [his wife] more in terms of level four and five needs fulfillment than it does Rich, even though Rich would appear to need her much more than she needs him.
I agree that it takes more than just a fulfilled love life to make a healthy, self-actualized human. While I would say that in order to be fully self-actualized we need a love relationship, I also believe that a relationship is but one step of many on the road to the highest self-actualized state of transcendence. A relationship alone just won’t get you there. Rich may have the relationship. But that’s about all he’s got, because he lacks so many of the other necessary ingredients. For example, there are more needs to meet at level three than just love needs. Belonging is also crucial. But I can’t see that Rich has attained this to any big degree beyond his immediate family circle. He’s not involved in community activities, does not attend church or any other routine doings outside his home, has great difficulty making and keeping friends, and just doesn’t seem to have the inclination to try. While it’s tempting to site his down-in-the-dumps life as a good example of why we might avoid relationships, I don’t think that [his wife or their marriage] is responsible for his apathetic attitude. He acted like this well before [his wife] ever came into the picture.
Yes, he seems to formulate his desires around what he thinks others want him to do, a sure sign of lacking self-actualization. Though he is unpopular, I think he’s never really learned to embrace disfavor. More than making his dreams come true, he’d rather just avoid making waves and doing without. *chuckle* He might even be anti-self actualized because he aspires to go with the flow as opposed to making the flow.
About success being determined by definition: Yes, I agree and explored this in several paragraphs in the letter I sent you this morning. So I’ll not say much more about it here.
However, I’m with you. According to the standards of success by which I live, he is not successful. As I found out (again) last December, he shows antipathy towards people willing to take action to change their lives for the better. He is the classic crab in the pot that blocks any other crab who wants to escape. Again, no self-actualization here.
But he can’t confute me anymore and this may have been why he lit into me so hard at the party. At McKee Place, he was much more well-read than I, and so he could shut me up with a few dazzling, big-worded arguments in those days. But now, it’s different. There wasn’t one thing he said last Christmas for which I had no good counter argument; and he hated that. In the end, he could only accuse me of being supersensitive and imply that my offense at his badgering was due to my insecurity with my position. It never occurred to him that I might be hurt because he wasn’t supporting me like good friends should, and that my security in the choice to leave my job was not the issue at all. He breached a sacred trust among friends that night, which I fear has changed me forever. Even if he were to apologize tomorrow, I could not forgive him. He went too far, way beyond the point of no return.
Yes, you certainly are on the road, and seem to be moving toward your dreams at a steady pace these days. Rich may be on the road too. But I think he stopped the car a long time ago. *grin*
Tom Hesley