To Emmy on Self Doubt
Dear [Emmy],
As far as your body shape goes: You need to learn to accept yourself as you are, particularly if you want others to accept you. If you don’t, and still manage to find someone who does, you’ll have trouble believing them when they compliment you and say how much they like you. You’ll wonder, “Hmmm, why does he like me so much if I’m not that likable?” You’ll doubt them and be suspicious, even though they’ve given you no cause. These doubts will undermine even the healthiest relationship, because unless you accept yourself, you’ll never be able to fully trust another to accept you.
Besides, you’ll not be able to change your appearance very much, even if you had the thousands upon thousands of dollars needed for radical make-overs. Basically you are what you are, and neither makeup nor cosmetic surgery will change that. Your looks aren’t bad at all because most females I know don’t look nearly as attractive as you. Why are you so self-conscious about this, when you know that so many people find you beautiful?
If anyone should feel unsure about his looks, that would be me. But I don’t. You’ve heard what women say about me and how unattractive they think I am. Yet I don’t sit around feeling bad about being ugly. I might feel sad at times because I’m alone, but not because I think I have severe problems with my appearance. I can’t help that I’m not taller, or that I have a wimpy upper body, or that my skin is too fair. I know that my thick glasses turn off many a woman too. But I’m certainly not going to risk my health or go without my glasses just to attract women. Nor would I spend 20 hours a week in the gym either. They need to like me, as I am; otherwise, I’ll not be interested in them. True, I wish more ladies found me attractive, because it’s been so hard to get the ones I desire to hold my hand. But the fact that they don’t doesn’t mean that there’s anything wrong with me. It doesn’t mean that there’s anything I must “fix”.
There’s nothing wrong with me. After all, some women, albeit few, find me very attractive. So it’s quite possible for me to attract women without improving myself at all. The fact is: I am who I am, just as you are who you are. And while it’s sad when women don’t appreciate who I am, it’s also just too darn bad. I cannot change who I am for anyone, even if she’s Miss Universe. The universe (or God) put me together with great care. Who am I to second-guess that?
Do you really think that if you had all the procedures to make yourself more pretty, that you’d attract more men? Do you even want to attract more men? Why do you want to be more pretty anyway? How would that help you achieve your life goals? If you don’t have clear answers to these questions, then I’d strongly suggest that you avoid the plastic surgeons, and focus on being happy with who you are. Accept it. After all, do you think you know more than your creator? Don’t underestimate the wisdom in his hands when he put you together as he did. You may be as you are, for wonderful purposes that have not yet been revealed to you. The looks you have won’t keep you from having a joyous life. Only your doubt will do that. So stop it! We can talk more about this on the phone if you like.
By the way, you don’t need to look like a movie star to be the most lovable. Indeed many such people really aren’t that lovable [anyway].
Later,
Tom Hesley