Tom's Diary

Here are my notes from today’s Dr. Phil episode   Mommy Rescue 911:

Segment 1

Summary: Chaotic household.  Mom baby-sits at home while husband relaxes outdoors, hiking.  Kids out of control; yelling, screaming, defying parents, disorderly.  There are also barking dogs, unkempt lawns, and messy rooms.  This couple wrote to Dr. Phil for help.  Husband believes that by working his job and paying the bills, that he’s fulfilling his responsibilities as a father.  So he expects to be able to relax, undisturbed, when he comes home from work.  Wife rejects this, believing that her hubby needs to be a dad after work and involve his kids in his after-work activities more.  She’s tired of having to work the equivalent of two full-time jobs as a stay-at-home mother, in order to raise her kids.    

Jessi “needs to be rescued,” to quote her.  She’s overwhelmed. Husband hikes for an hour or so every day after work, and then comes home and spends hours on the Internet blogging about his hiking experience.  Kids do not listen to her.  She’s quite busy every day with an overly full schedule in my opinion.  Her day starts at six AM and does not end until late in the evening; preparing kids to go to school, caring for other people’s children in her daycare business.  She worries that because she and Jeremy argue around the kids, that this is teaching them to argue with each other.  In fact, the children do argue with one another quite a bit.  Jessi hinted that she may leave if the current problems at home continue. 

Jeremy the husband, thinks that his wife “coasts” through her day at times, and therefore, she ought to get more done than she actually does.  He says that she puts off numerous tasks around the house (dishes, laundry, cleaning, et al) until he gets home, so that he’ll have to do them.  Jeremy worries that he can never do enough for his wife.  She’ll never be happy no matter what he does.  So he doesn’t seem to try much anymore to please her.  He thinks that the Dr. Phil show misrepresented him in the tape clips they’ve been showing throughout this episode.  He says that he only hikes an hour each day, and that Jessi needs to relax and stop picking arguments so much.  She just needs to suck it up and do what she must to bring things under control at the homestead.  However, Jeremy does spend lots of time after that, journaling about his experiences each day in his blog. 

Dr. Phil suggested that Jeremy is blaming his wife for all the disarray at home.  He then read Jessi’s daily schedule and seemed to believe that there’s not a whole lot of “wiggle room” in it for her to complete anymore household chores.  Hs says that the way that this couple is working together is not working well, and he wants them both to stop the fighting, and unite for the sake of the kids. 

Segment 2

Started off showing scenes of home life and how loud and disorderly things are in the kitchen.  They have a black refrigerator.  I had one of those once. 

Jeremy countermands Jessi when she disciplines the children sometimes.  He appears to want to be their friend rather than their parent.  He faults Jessi for his inability to be a fully engaged father.  Jeremy is a debt collector and says that it’s easier to negotiate with his debtors than to work something out with his own wife. 

Contributor Kelly Cutrone visited Jeremy’s and Jessi’s home.  She said that the house looks like a war zone.  Thinks the children’s outfits are a little weird.  She noticed that the children do not follow their Mom’s directions.  Did she see people food in the dog bowls?  Jeremy seems to neglect the property; the grass needs cut.  Now, Cutrone has entered the home and is watching what’s going on.  Much conflict between one kid and the other, between one parent and the other, and between the parents and the kids.  Their boy Aiden, appears to be anxious; licking the furniture, picking his nose then eating it, and does not sit still when being spoken to.  Cutrone is talking to Jeremy outside while Aiden is hanging out the window that overlooks them talking.  She’s trying to get Aiden to go inside and not listen.  Cutrone then talks to Jessi.  Cutrone says that Jessi is overwhelmed and tends to “escalate and nag.”  Jeremy tunes out all the chaos.  Aiden has anxiety issues, and she bids Dr. Phil to “work his magic” with this family.  Good luck.  She told Jeremy that he does not have enough time to interact sufficiently with his kids, and that he’s just not involved enough with raising the kids.  She told Jeremy that his house is a mess, with a wee wee pad wrapped around a tree in the yard outside.  Not carrying his weight.  All he does is yell.  Cutrone also scolded Jessi for moving Jeremy into the home too soon after they met. 

Jessi thinks that Jeremy spends too much time hiking and not enough with his family.

Dr. Phil was none too happy with what he saw in Cutrone’s taped piece from Jeremy and Jessi’s home.  Aiden is acting out his anxieties that originate in the chaos within this home.  He advised that they must “calm things down” and get past the blame game, the right fighting, the quest to win arguments, and the need to stop trying to impress others with who’s being the better parent.  Both Jessi and Jeremy are at fault for the problems here.  Dr. Phil noted that neither one in this couple has asked him for help.  All they’ve done is argue with each other.  Neither have they asked about how best to help the children through this tough situation. 

Segment 3

Jessi continued griping about Jeremy’s hiking, and she’s worried that he might not be hiking all the times he says, and that he may in fact be cheating on her.  His hair is often askew, he lost his wedding ring and so , does not wear it out in public, and he spends much time at night on the Internet.

Jeremy committed himself to a thousand straight days of hiking, and then to blog about each experience and share pictures of it.   

Kelly Cutrone followed Jeremy out to one of his hikes, unbenounced to Jeremy, and found that he was in fact there, hiking, jogging, and taking pictures of himself.  She was amused about that last activity.  He did go where he said he was going.  She offered that there’s no harm in getting Aiden tested for ADD. 

Dr. Phil advised Jessi not to think that Jeremy was cheating based on what Cutrone found above.  He warned Jessi that she complains so much that no one listens anymore, like the little boy who cried WOLF.  He believes that Aiden has anxiety and that he might have attention deficit disorder (ADD).  He does not like these “waste basket” diagnoses.  But sometimes, kids fit the neurological profile for ADD.  He suggested that Aiden be fully evaluated for a host of possible problems and that the parents need to get behind this effort and do what they must to straighten out this situation.  He wants a “calm enforcement” of the house rules.  He thinks that Aiden needs to know that there are consequences for his misbehaving, and to achieve that, these consequences must be enforced rigorously and consistently.  He also doesn’t think that Jessi feels that she was helped in today’s episode and that them coming to the Dr. Phil show was just a big time waster.  He believes Jessi to be inconsistent in her disciplining of her kids, she does lots of yelling, without much enforcement.  In this environment, the kids cannot predict what will happen when they misbehave.  That’s bad.  Dr. Phil offered help to have Aiden evaluated, and told Jeremy not to worry about whether his insurance would pay for this.  Dr. Phil will take care of it.   

Jessi did not like the ADD suggestion and said that that term is overly used. 

Segment 4

A new guest couple.  Summary: Emily, a wife and mother, hates being wife and mom, and wants to leave her current living situation.  Has three kids and dreaded being pregnant with the third because her husband Jeff has not been “plugged in” with their kids.  He says that his job is to pay the bills, keep the roof over their heads, keep clothes on their backs, work for his living, and that’s all he’s supposed to do.  Apparently, he thinks the woman is supposed to do everything else. 

Jeff wishes he would have listened to his friends when they advised him not to get involved with Emily, when they called her a bitch.  He says he would not marry Emily if he knew then what he’s learned throughout their troubled marriage.  Jeff resents Emily, thinking her a waste of his time and someone who prevented him from pursuing the career opportunities he dreams of.  He hates where they’re living in Iowa, and wants to be able to move to greener pastures where more lucrative career choices abound.  Jeff wants “more than Iowa,” and says that Emily verbally attacks him without provocation, and that he gave up a good career to be with his family.  He gave up a good life and much potential to be with Emily and raise this family.    He wants a career where they can move around frequently and travel.

Emily feels that Jeff does not support her enough in her efforts to rear the children well.  She believes that she’s “falling out of love” with her family.  She wants to get in her car sometimes and just drive, and drive, and drive, until she empties the gas tank, and not return.  She says she would not marry Jeff if she knew before she married him what she’s certain of now.  She’s afraid to have any more children to Jeff because of how disconnected he is from the three that they have already.  She defended her choice to live in Iowa, as this keeps her close to her family.  It’s her home state and she likes living near to her family so they can baby-sit for her when she needs time away from their kids. Emily thinks that her husband is a bit flighty about his career choices.  She’s afraid that she’d go somewhere far away with him only to have him decide quickly that he made the wrong choice, and then he’d want to move again. Emily seems to wish to be able to set down roots in one place.  She’s jealous of her three and a half year old daughter because Jeff pays more attention to her than he does to Emily. 

Dr. Phil thinks that their “kids are beautiful.”  He seemed to feel badly for Jeff in that if Jeff truly believes the things he’s said about Emily, then he really must have a tough emotional go of his life.  He asked Emily why they’re continuing to live in Iowa if that distresses Jeff so much.  He told her that she need to “grow up,” and work to solve the problems with Jeff.  He suggest that if this was done, that Jeff might be more supportive of her needs with the kids.  Dr. Phil seemed to rather forcefully imply that Emily should move with Jeff and give up her family, claiming that this is part of adult living, and that the “free” baby-sitting she gets from her family is not worth being miserable for.  I don’t know if I agree with him necessarily on this, as involvement with extended family (grandparents, aunts, uncles, nieces, nephews, and cousins) is very good for children.  So Emily would need to think long and hard before giving that up. 

Segment 5

Jeff admits to spoiling their youngest daughter Alyssa.  He worries that society will blame him personally should his family become publicly impoverished.  They’ll scorn him (and not anyone else in the family) for being a poor provider [He’s probably right about this].  So he believes he’s carrying a great weight, to provide for them, that Emily does not appreciate fully. His day starts at five AM and he does not return home until six or seven in the evening.  He says that he’s left their home for a week at one point due to all the fighting. 

Alyssa often acts with hostility toward Emily; yelling and screaming and resisting when Emily tries to parent her.

Emily attributes Alyssa’s misbehaving with her to Jeff’s pampering Alyssa. She thinks Jeff cares more about Alyssa than her.  She believes that Jeff really does not know what he wants to do career wise for the long term.  She complained that she doesn’t get enough time to herself when Jeff comes home because Jeff doesn’t keep the kids sufficiently occupied so they won’t bug her when she’s taking a relaxing bath.  She thinks that Jeff should take care of the kids fully for that hour or so each day that she has to be alone. 

Dr. Phil asked why they’re not trying to work out something better for all.   He advised Jeff to expand his definition of what he thinks it means to be a man.  Being a man is not just about providing operating dollars to the family.  Working is not the only contribution that the husband is supposed to make.   “Fathers need to be plugged in,” Dr. Phil said. 

Segment 6

Dr. Phil said that relationships represent a never-ending stream of negotiations, and advisee Emily and Jeff to “go back to the negotiating table” and try to work out the Iowa living issue and the fatherly involvement with the kids issue.  He said that the number one rule of a good negotiator is to figure out how to give the other person as much of what they want as possible without denying himself what he most needs to be happy.  He advised Jeff to stop being an angry victim, and to promise his wife that if she’ll move with him to better career opportunities, that he’ll support her more fully with the kids.  He advised Jeff that Emily probably wants to stay in Iowa because “you checked out,” he told him.  Since Emily doesn’t have Jeff as a fully supportive partner, she seeks out and clings to the next best thing; her immediate and extended family.  He told Emily that she either needs to find a way to work this out, or get divorced and go home.  He told Jeff that he needs to plug back in.  Dr. Phil offered as example his own life and how he was so focused on building his career when he and his wife Robin started out, but how his career became less important once they decided to have children.  He described Robin as “the heart of the home,” but how he became more involved with household issues as he grew more acclimated to the thought of being a dad.     

Segment 7

Dr. Phil summarized the show, thanked Kelly Cutrone for her contributions to this episode, and he plugged her book: If You Have To Cry, Go Outside.  He gave everyone in the audience a copy of this book.  Then, he thanked everyone else, viewers and live audience included, for being there.  Finally, he and Robin walked off as they do at the end of every show.  That’s it.   

Tom Hesley