Dr. Phil Episode Notes: Secrets, Lies, and Regrets
Here are my notes from today’s Dr. Phil episode: Secrets, Lies, And Regrets.
Segment 1
Summary: Husband Joseph is a wannabe transsexual. He wishes to become a woman. But he concealed the full depth of this truth from his wife Natalie. She knew he felt like a woman inside but married him anyway, even though she wanted a man to love. She didn’t think she’d ever get the operation or that he was even really serious about changing his sex. They’ve been married less than six months, and each is in love with the other.
Natalie says she invited Joseph to try on her panties one night as a joke. But he liked wearing them too much apparently, and now, wants to become a lady. When she offered him her panties, Natalie says she had no idea that he’d want to do more to be more female-like. She’s crying and shocked at Joseph’s aspiration to be a lady. She does not want him to do this, because she likes his manly side. As he is now, she can talk to him about sports and do other masculine activities. She wishes not to be with a woman, but a man. She will probably leave Joseph if he goes through with this. But she’s not sure that this is in fact what he really wants to do. Though Natalie knew something about Joseph’s feminine desires, she figured he’d be content to just wear her panties once in a while in the bedroom. She also didn’t take his desire for the sex-change operation seriously because they would not be able to afford it. She was hoping that Dr. Phil could cure Joseph of this gender identity crisis.
Joseph admits to having these leanings before meeting Natalie but concealed them due to his shame and guilt and fear of disrupting his family once they’d established one with their marriage. In fact, he never told Natalie about his desires to become woman until the panties incident. He says he loves her and does not want to lose her, whether or not he completes the transsexual process. He says he can only be fully happy with himself if he becomes fully feminine. He admits to putting on lady’s underwear in high school. But while growing up, he resisted these urges to indulge in feminine clothing or to explore his female side at all, until Natalie offered him her panties to try on. That brought back memories as well as forced to the surface of his conscience his desire to be a full-fledged woman. The panties incident made him realize that he’s been living a lie that he wishes not to live anymore. Joseph wants to know how he can fulfill his own dreams of being a lady without hurting his wife and everyone else who knows him. He told Natalie early on that he was uncertain about his manhood. Since he loved her, he found it exceedingly difficult to divulge fully something so distressing. In fact, even as a little boy, Joseph says he did not want his penis, deeming it so unnecessary. He likes doing many of the masculine things she likes, and he believes that he’ll still enjoy doing them as a female. He loves women, even though he wants to be a woman himself. So, he is not gay. He wants to stay with Natalie even once he becomes a woman.
Dr. Phil, as per usual, encourages both of them to be completely honest. Joseph has the body of a man but “doesn’t feel like a man.” He says that he can’t “fix” Joseph. If Joseph really wants to be a woman, this cannot be changed. “This isn’t something you’re going to counsel him out of,” Dr. Phil said.
Next: Did Natalie cheat on Joseph because she was so disappointed to learn that Joseph wanted to be a woman?
Segment 2
Natalie admits to kissing another guy due to Joseph’s cross-dressing. She wants to be with a full man; not some half male, half female hybrid. She began suspecting Joseph’s leanings some time ago.
Natalie’s cheating hurt Joseph. He admits to cross-dressing as far back as eighth grade, when he snuck and wore his mother’s clothes. Eventually he bought his own panties and wore them, unknown to Natalie. He’s disgusted by the male body, including his own. He wants to be seen as a full woman, not as a man in drag.
Dr. Phil introduced a gender identity expert, Dr. Christine Milrod. She describes what’s going on with Joseph as “a biological, life-long condition,” that cannot be changed as quickly or easily as the panties. She described a sort of binge-purge cycle, in which people like Joseph explore their feminine side a little, and then retreat back into their masculinity, often totally renouncing their longings to be female. The completely indulge in masculine things and relationships. But then, their desires surface again and get the best of them. They can become obsessive about becoming female.
Joseph cried practically the whole way through this segment as Dr. Milrod seemed to be describing him perfectly. He feels selfish for asserting his need to be a woman in light of all the pain that it’s causing his family. He would rather everyone else be happy at the expense of his own happiness. He’s willing to sacrifice his own happiness in order to preserve that of others.
Next: Dr. Phil will explore the high cost that both sides of this issue can have to anyone close to it. There’s indeed a high cost if Joseph becomes a woman. But there’s a similarly high cost if he remains a man and living as an unfulfilled person.
Segment 3
Dr. Phil says that the brain can be of a different sexual orientation than the body that houses it. The gender identity of a person is probably determined by the brain. He believes that Joseph may suffer depression, anxiety, shame, and guilt if he continues to repress his desire to become woman. Joseph will be a high suicide risk, and he’ll be chronically unfulfilled. Joseph must be able to freely and fully investigate his gender identity crisis, and if need be, have the transsexual operation performed. He’s beckoning Natalie to try to understand Joseph’s need to fully explore this, and assures her that that she should be kept apprised of everything that’s happening through Joseph’s exploration. He implores Joseph to be honest and forthcoming. He’ll make counseling available to both Joseph and Natalie. Joseph’s yearning to become fully feminine is not Natalie’s fault, as this was established long before Natalie met him.
The sex identity expert says that thinking and fixating about the transition before it’s actually completed can be quite disruptive in terms of job productivity; an added cost for folks like Joseph, and another reason why he should press forward with his exploration of this option. Indeed with this fixation going on, being an effective parent or husband becomes nearly impossible.
Segment 4
Summary: Husband Ed lied to his wife Carrie about how many times he was married before her, and how many children he actually has.
Carrie says that she’s caught her husband in lies repeatedly. She doesn’t like Ed the liar and doesn’t believe that their marriage will survive. She learned of these other people through Facebook.
Ed admitted being married once before Carrie. They’ve known each other for seven plus years. But he had other wives that he kept quiet about and had three more children than he told Carrie about as well as some grandchildren. Ed blamed his silence about his grandchildren because he “lost track” of them upon leaving the military, and he was ashamed to tell anyone that. So he figured, it’s best just to say nothing about the children at all.
Dr. Phil traces out on a white board all these women that Ed has actually been married to. He spent most of this segment trying to get an accurate drawing on the white board of all the women and children actually in Ed’s life.
Segment 5
Dr. Phil differentiates between the “white lies” that everybody tells from time to time, and the “material lies” that strike at the vary core of a relationship. Dr. Phil doesn’t understand how Ed could solve his feelings of guilt and shame by lying about his children.
Ed says that he lied out of shame and guilt. Ed failed to justify his lie-telling to Dr. Phil; choosing instead to just admit that lying is terrible and that he regrets doing it so much. Ed also lied about a $70,000 retirement account that it turns out he spent away on lottery tickets, guns, golf, laptop computers, and other luxury items. He claimed to Carrie when she first noticed that the account had been depleted that he had no idea where all that money went. But now, he’s admitting that he does in fact know. Ed also committed tax fraud in the lottery tickets business, claiming as a loss tickets that he got from other people.
Carrie is not sure if she trusts what Ed says now since he’s lied so much already. Ed lies so much, Carrie says, that she must “pick her battles” with him. If she fought with him about every lie she discovered, then it appears that they’d be fighting all the time.
Next: Can or should Carrie ever learn to trust Ed again?
Segment 6
Ed says that it’s all on the table now and that he’s lying about nothing further. He appears remorseful. He wants to know how he can get Carrie to trust him again.
Carrie asked Dr. Phil if he could “fix” Ed.
Dr. Phil dressed Ed down for his lying; the initial lie of omission about his other extra wives, and then all the subsequent lying Ed had to do to keep people believing the first lie. “You’re not trustworthy,” he told Ed. Also, he said that chronic liars cannot be fixed quickly. He advised Ed that he’ll require some recurring therapy to address this, and that Ed must relearn what proper behavior and etiquette is when interacting with others. Ed needs to learn the value of truth. Ed’s lying can indeed be corrected with lots of work and determination from Ed. Dr. Phil will make resources available to help this couple heal from all this deception.
Segment 7
Dr. Phil thanked his guests. He also thanked Dr. Christine Milrod for her input, and he also cautioned the viewers and his audience not to too quickly judge liars too harshly. “Life has a lot of different avenues,” he said, that might make lying seem viable in some people’s minds given certain circumstances. There may have been legitimate reasons for Ed’s lying.
That’s it for this Dr. Phil episode.
March 23rd, 2011 at 1:48 pm
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March 30th, 2011 at 3:50 pm
[...] Dr. Phil Episode Notes: Secrets, Lies, and Regrets [...]