Dr. Phil Episode Notes: Brat-Proof Your Child
04:05 pM: I watched today’s Dr. Phil episode: Brat-Proof Your Child, and took the following notes…
Segment 1
Summary: Looks like they’ll show parents how to avoid spoiling their children, and how to handle a bratty child once they are spoiled. One guest yells incessantly, but it is possible to show children how to behave in more harmonious, less disruptive ways.
The show started off showing taped examples of bratty kids; kids who are quite demanding and quite displeased when they do not get what they seek. Lots of crying and pleading shown. How do parents correct this?
Dr. Phil posed the question to the audience of how to deal with a “beggar” child; a child that keeps asking and asking for a toy, favorite ice cream cone, or anything really. The audience is responding via remote control. He says the correct answer is that you get the child to yearn for their heart’s desire; don’t give it to them right away. Don’t make it too easy for them.
Dr. Phil mentioned the following book: You’re Not The Boss of Me: Brat-Proofing Your 4 to 12 Year-Old Child by Betsy Brown Braun. This author visited the Dr. Phil show today. She suggested that as parents, we facilitate children to become brats; they’re not born like that. We discipline when our child has already become bratty. But she says they can be taught not to be bratty before the need to discipline them arises.
Vanessa and Xavier have a little boy, Noah, who relentlessly demands, begs, and cries for toys at the toy store. He refuses to leave the park when it’s time to go home, making a public spectacle to let everyone there know that his parents are treating him unreasonably. He clutches the chains of the swings so his parents cannot lead him away.
Dr. Phil invited Vanessa and Xavier to put themselves in Noah’s position and understand how frustrating it is for him to be constantly corrected and told no all the time.
Xavier admits to enabling the child to get him to quiet down. Distracting Noah long enough for him to forget what he so desperately wants does not work. Noah keeps coming back to it.
Vanessa comes across as being angry a lot.
Noah as a strong temper. He’s bossy, and imitates his mother’s disciplinary tactics in order to control things around the home. He imitates his mother yelling at him, by yelling back. She gets louder. So he gets louder. Then when he gets louder, she gets still louder, and the cycle repeats and builds and builds and builds to quite the loud crescendo.
Next: Betsy Brown Braun will come up to the stage and advise Xavier and Vanessa how to get Noah under control again.
Segment 2
Dr. Phil notes that Vanessa does the bulk of the punishing while Xavier works away from the home. Vanessa and Xavier sometimes disagree on how the discipline should be doled out. Xavier does the enabling while Vanessa tries to repair the bad effects of Xavier’s enabling. He suggested that Noah is quite the upset little boy. But he says, children ought to be contented little people. He says that both Xavier and Vanessa give in too much; Xavier gives in more than Vanessa. This teaches Noah that if he fusses enough, that eventually he’ll get what he wants. Not good, particularly once Noah grows bigger. He wants the parents to acknowledge the kid’s despair when they say no to him. Dr. Phil also suggested that when Noah is crying for a toy, that it’s not ultimately the toy that he’s looking for; rather, it’s to be understood. Parents can impart this understanding without actually buying the toy.
Xavier admits to passing the buck on the disciplining to Vanessa. It’s just easier to give the kid what he wants to get him to shut up, than it is to fight with him.
Betsy Brown Braun says that Noah “does not feel acknowledged.” He’s by himself, with everyone seemingly against him. Someone needs to be on his side. She seems to be suggesting that his parents need to empathize with him when he’s crying for something he desires. She says that it’s typical of five year-olds to want, want, and want some more. Letting a child pine for something for a little while teaches them a valuable lesson: They won’t always received what they desire in life, and that it does little good to throw tantrums when denied. This is an essential lesson a child needs to learn in order to become “de-bratted.”
Segment 3
More tape shown of Noah, this time, not wanting to prepare to leave for school.
Dr. Phil sent Betsy Brown Braun to this family’s home at supper time to observe how they interact with Noah. She thinks they talk excessively to and about Noah at the table, and as the meal progresses, the parents become less insistent that Noah eat. She wants them to unify their approach to Noah, and to be agreed on how discipline will unfold. They should plan this out of Noah’s earshot, so that he never hears them disagreeing.
Next, they show a tape of Vanessa practicing Braun’s suggestions.
You show a child how to be respectful by demonstrating respect for him or her, in the form of listening to the child.
Dr. Phil asked the audience what they would do about a child who does not respect them. He and Braun say that you never acknowledge their bad behavior or give them any attention due to it. But sending a kid to his room does just that; it gives him attention. The parents have shaped Noah into what he is presently.
Dr. Phil also asked the audience how to instill a sense of responsibility in a child. He’ll give the answer in the next segment.
Segment 4
The answer is that you let the child feel the ramifications of irresponsibility.
The next guest has triplet boys and another boy besides (four total), and she’s having serious problems getting them under control. She yells loud and long at them.
Braun advises that she doesn’t like the mom’s shouting much, and suggested that this mother should make some time alone with each of the boys, to show each one that he indeed has a special place in her heart. Each child should have his own time with his mom. She also noted that not only is respect lacking from the children to the mother, but the other way around as well. The mother appears not to respect her children as much as she ought to.
Dr. Phil says that yelling will not teach them what you desire the children to know.
Segment 5
More taped examples shown of this mother yelling at her kids. Her children are upset, and her shouting at them at close range seems to intensify their frustration, anger, and ultimately, their defiance of her.
Like the last father guest Xavier, this husband works lots of hours, and so is not around for much of this disciplinary hardship.
Dr. Phil warns them that if they do not get these boys under control that they’ll be visiting them in jail once they get old enough to be jailed. He advises the father to involve himself more at home with the child rearing, because since all his children are boys, he (the father) is the most influential role model they have. But since he’s away so much, he’s missing lots of opportunities to steer this outcome in a better direction.
Dr. Phil goes on to comfort the mother, saying that this can be corrected. He offers her “man power” to help, although he is not specific about what sort of help that would involve.
Braun suggested as well that kids need to feel important. She offered that the mother might find church volunteers or college students studying childhood behaviors and motivations, and see if they would help her better interact with her kids.
Segment 6
Dr. Phil asked the audience how they would deal with bored kids; kids that depend on you too much to help make their lives nice. The answer is to help them list the things they like to do when they’re not feeling bored, and then having them consult that list for suggestions when they are bored. This helps make the children more self-reliant, and thus, less dependent or demanding on the parents.
Then, Dr. Phil asked the audience what to do when a child is dishonest. The answer is to chat with them about why they feel the need to tell lies.
Some mothers on the Dr. Phil show staff didn’t do very well on this test. They appeared to explain themselves.
Braun says not to discipline in the “heat of the moment.” Wait until later, when the child is calmer.
Dr. Phil says that children do not learn when they’re upset and that discipline will not work when the kids is screaming, yelling, and crying. He wants this couple to stop shouting at their children, and offered some assistance (“reinforcements”). Again though, he did not specify the exact type of help he was offering.
Segment 7
Dr. Phil says that parents control the level of chaos or orderliness found in their homes. They’re the smarter ones and the ones with the greater power to effect change there. He gave Betsy Brown Braun’s book You’re Not The Boss Of Me to everyone in the audience. He also addressed Vanessa and Xavier, suggesting that they’re hurting their kids by not teaching them the ways of the real world. They should not create a bubble-like environment where their kids get their way any more than they would outside that bubble.
That’s the end of this episode. Take care.
March 23rd, 2011 at 11:43 am
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