Dr. Phil Episode Notes: Secret Regrets
Here are my notes from today’s Dr. Phil episode: Secret Regrets.
Segment 1
Summary: Guests on today’s show reveal choices they’ve made, that perhaps they now regret deciding as they did. One guest chose between a man and a child, and the other chose to find her biological father. This girl who sought to meet her father finally does so on this episode. But the relationship they’ve developed since she first contacted him some three years ago has not been what she hoped for.
Dr. Phil mentions the Secret Regrets.com web site, where people can visit and post their own regrets via video or written word. Typical visitors report regret cheating, keeping mum about being molested, not telling a biological father that he has a child.
Author Kevin Hansen appears on the show, and talks briefly about his book Secret Regrets.
The first guest, 19 year-old Kelsey, seems to regret her biological father being her father. She says that he’s selfish and that she’s sorry she ever sought him out. Kelsey relates that he left when she was six months old and she located him again when she was 17 years old. She wanted initially to bridge the distance gap and learn about her dad. But as she came to know him, she began regretting her choice to find him after over sixteen years apart. She complained that he’s “not as attentive” as she would like, and that he forgets dates that are important to her, such as birthdays, graduation dates, and so on. He’s poor at doing what he says he will, and it hurts her that he texts her very little. Kelsey would like him to act like a bona fide parent. But because of his neglect since finding him, she now says that she regrets having attempted to contact him in the first place, and also that he’s in fact her dad. Kelsey claims to have no concealed agendas with him. All she wants is to establish a positive relationship with her real dad.
Bryan, the man that she believes to be her father, doesn’t think that he actually is.
Later, Dr. Phil will facilitate a first face-to-face meeting between Kelsey and Bryan.
Segment 2
Bryan says in a video clip that he lost touch with Kelsey when she was nine months of age, and thinks that she does have a hidden agenda. But so far, she’s not revealed it, though he’s tried to get her to talk about it.
Kelsey reads a letter to her father, where she tells him that she is sorry that she’s his descendant. She hasn’t seen her dad since 1991.
Bryan, in another video clip, seems skeptical of Kelsey’s motives. He admits to not sending her gifts and cards to commemorate those important dates to her. Bryan says that these dates that are so important to her, mean nothing to him, except that they mean something to her. He wants her to be clearer about what she expects from him so that he can meet her expectations.
Dr. Phil then asks Bryan to join him and Kelsey on the stage. Then, he and Kelsey hug in an obviously tight and impassioned embrace. Dr. Phil advised them both to be open and honest in the ensuing discussion. He asked Bryan why, in nearly two decades of being away from Kelsey, he didn’t attempt to find her.
Bryan says he’s happy that Kelsey found him, but doesn’t like writing letters, preferring email instead. Apparently, this is some excuse he offered for not communicating more with Kelsey. He complained that Kelsey did not supply him with her email address. Bryan says that he thought about Kelsey often through the years, but did not contact her because of what he feared her mother might have told Kelsey about him. Bryan claimed that he did attempt to see Kelsey when she was four years old, but the mother would not permit it. Further, Bryan is not totally convinced that Kelsey is his biological daughter.
Next, Dr. Phil will discuss a recently done DNA test that should answer this paternity question definitively. In the DNA test, they took a total of four swabs from Kelsey; two from each inner cheek.
Segment 3
Bryan says he’d like to treat Kelsey as his, whether or not she’s his biological offspring and has fatherly feelings for Kelsey regardless. But he worries that Kelsey will be devastated if it turns out that he’s not her real father.
Dr. Phil notes that Bryan seems very “cold and detached” about this to him.
Segment 4
DNA test results say that chances are very close to 100% that Bryan is Kelsey’s father.
Bryan says that he’s okay with the DNA test outcome.
Kelsey says that she knew it all along and wanted to have the test, just to prove to him that his doubts about being her dad (and the possibly resulting detachment from her), were in error.
Dr. Phil again notes Bryan’s rather caviler reaction to the results. Indeed, Bryan showed little emotion through it all. He asked Bryan if perhaps his detachment might be because Kelsey looks like her Mom, and reminds Bryan of the hardships in their relationship.
Bryan’s wife Lee is in the audience. Lee says that she’s “indifferent” about the DNA test results. Lee confirms Bryan’s story that he feared visiting Kelsey because of the potentially negative things Kelsey’s mother might have put into Kelsey’s head about Bryan. Lee also hinted that Bryan has difficulty communicating his heartfelt feelings, and that Kelsey should not be so hurt by that aspect of Bryan’s personality. Lee then gave Kelsey a hearty hug.
Dr. Phil says he believes that Bryan has feelings for Kelsey inside, but that he’s not effectively communicating those feelings in their entirety. This exercise was good, as Bryan has received feedback that how he comes across can be hurtful. Dr. Phil then went on to say that Kelsey and Bryan will have to take the necessary time to build a father-daughter relationship and that just because they’re biologically related does not automatically define a relationship between them. They’ll have to each put forth the effort to write that definition. He wants them to get to know each other and to “build history” together, as he put it, and that it’s “never too late” to do.
Kelsey wants to forge a relationship with her dad, and thinks that perhaps they moved too quickly when they first started communicating.
Both Bryan and Lee want to build this relationship as well.
Next, another guest makes a controversial decision that leaves her feeling sorry.
Segment 5
The next guest Jamie, chose to have an abortion at twenty years of age, and now, at twenty-one, she regrets it. A boyfriend of eight months impregnated her. She says she did not wish the abortion but did it a keep this guy from running out on her. He cheated on Jamie on the day before the abortion, and he showed up at the abortion clinic, feeling ill from too much drink the night before. Jamie says that this guy left her a month and a half after her abortion, and that she still misses him.
Dr. Phil says that her choice to abort is irreversible. He pointed out to Jamie that this guy wasn’t acting much like a responsible potential father. Plus, her having the abortion did not stop the fellow from leaving her. He says she picked her boyfriend over the baby, and based that on faulty premises. He’d like her to exonerate herself, and allow herself to make more informed choices in the future. He seems to think that her choice was juvenile and excessively youthful one.
Next, Dr. Phil will tell Jamie what he thinks she needs to do to get over this and move on with her life.
Segment 6
Dr. Phil tells Jamie that she’s feeling sad about the guy she thought her boyfriend was, not because she’s missing what he really was. He explained selective memory to her and how we tend to remember the good in a relationship and ignore the bad. He suggested that she might be doing this. Remember the memories as more rose-colored than they actually were can reek havoc on our problem-solving abilities. He thinks that she ignored important clues to this fellow’s character. Jamie needs to grow up essentially, and learn to temper her rampant emotions with some intellect. She should view this fellow for what he really was, not what she wanted him to be.
Upon reflection, Jamie agrees that she missed some key indicators of her boyfriend’s lack of worthiness to father her children. Jamie would like her ex to apologize for acting so poorly.
Dr. Phil advised Jamie that in order to put her guilt and regret behind her, perhaps she could write about it and counsel other young women facing similar dilemmas, give testimony in church, or learn how to help people on a crisis hotline. She needs to figure out what her “minimum effective response” is to this situation; a response that will get her over the regret without being too much over the top. He’s offering Jamie counseling resources to help her determine what the best things for her to do to straighten this out in her head would be.
Dr. Phil mentions again the SecretRegrets.com web site.
Hansen says that this web site has prevented suicides, discouraged cheating, and convinced addicts to seek recovery help.
Both Jamie and Kelsey say they’re glad they found this site.
Segment 7
Dr. Phil thanks all guests, and the DDC DNA test lab that performed the test mentioned earlier. He also thanked Kevin Hansen, and plugged Hansen’s book: Secret Regrets Vol. 1. He gave this book a ringing endorsement, and said that part of the proceeds from this book benefit a web site called Reach Out.com where people can go when times get difficult. Finally, he says that the big problem with keeping regrets secret is that people go without the help they need, in order to keep the secret.
That’s the end of this episode. Take care.