Toms Diary

Archive for the ‘Audio Journal’ Category

Audio Journal Episode Directory: 2010

Wednesday, March 23rd, 2011

Here I briefly summarize each audio journal episode I recorded in 2010, as well as reference any posts in my blogs that include content from each episode.

See also my Audio Journal Overview Page (Main Page), where you can access pages for other years of the journal.

2010

AJE-2010-12-27-13-30
AJE-2010-12-15-01-02
AJE-2010-12-07-01-02
AJE-2010-12-05-18-59
AJE-2010-12-03-13-28
AJE-2010-11-29-13-56
AJE-2010-11-20-19-52
AJE-2010-11-17-12-25
AJE-2010-11-14-19-09
AJE-2010-11-11-09-40
AJE-2010-11-09-09-31
AJE-2010-11-09-09-15
AJE-2010-11-07-13-35
AJE-2010-11-05-07-50
AJE-2010-11-04-07-22
AJE-2010-11-02-06-24
AJE-2010-11-01-21-19
AJE-2010-10-31-19-06
AJE-2010-10-30-18-43
AJE-2010-10-29-09-14
AJE-2010-10-28-09-50
AJE-2010-10-27-17-21
AJE-2010-10-27-08-55
AJE-2010-10-27-08-33
AJE-2010-10-26-07-31
AJE-2010-10-25-21-36
AJE-2010-10-24-09-45
AJE-2010-10-24-09-37
AJE-2010-10-22-16-16
AJE-2010-10-21-13-38
AJE-2010-10-21-09-59
AJE-2010-10-20-23-54
AJE-2010-10-20-23-30
AJE-2010-10-20-09-20
AJE-2010-10-19-11-37
AJE-2010-10-19-11-14
AJE-2010-10-18-15-08
AJE-2010-10-18-15-02
AJE-2010-10-17-09-40
AJE-2010-10-16-09-54
AJE-2010-10-16-09-30
AJE-2010-10-14-21-07
AJE-2010-10-13-09-24
AJE-2010-10-12-09-36
AJE-2010-10-12-09-29
AJE-2010-10-12-09-22
AJE-2010-10-11-10-50
AJE-2010-10-10-21-00
AJE-2010-10-09-22-27
AJE-2010-10-08-18-46
AJE-2010-10-07-22-58

AJE-2010-10-06-10-26 - Discussed my current state of general health and practices and habits I plan on altering in the new year, to improve my overall good feelings.

AJE-2010-10-05-14-20 - Dis-empowerment in my life and things I might do to combat it, plus further developments in the love quest. I’ve mastered most of my perceived inadequacies that haunted me in the 1970s through 1990s.

AJE-2010-10-04-11-19 – Planning my New Years resolutions for 2011: Less caffeine, no sugar, reduced fats, and fewer processed foods.

AJE-2010-10-04-11-00 - Misc. love quest discussion.

AJE-2010-10-03-20-12 – About being thrifty so I can afford Mom’s house.

AJE-2010-10-02-15-44 - I’m aspiring to journal at least once per day; inspired by President Jimmy Carter and how he kept a copious diary during his presidency. Then, I discussed the apparent futility of my love quest. At least, that’s how it appears as of this recording anyhow. But things change on a whim. So I’ll likely have a more optimistic attitude about it tomorrow.

AJE-2010-09-30-19-14 – Boring day, filing papers in office; that job that just won’t go away. I keep finding more papers requiring filing.

AJE-2010-09-28-23-05- My refusal to answer [Kar's] call. I didn’t want to talk to her because of how she let me down during my last visit to her in 2009.

AJE-2010-09-25-11-20 – I’ve managed to come to terms with just about every other aspect of my life that my reduced vision makes more difficult. But the one area that I still feel I’ve been way short-changed in, is fulfillment in love.

AJE-2010-09-24-23-27 – More on the 30th anniversary of the loss of [First Love].

AJE-2010-09-21-08-28 – Water heater replaced today. 30th anniversary of breakup with [First Love] and what I think I’ve learned from that whole experience and how different I am today than I was back then.

AJE-2010-09-19-00-21 – Why am I here, Vs. what is my purpose for living. This talk was inspired by a Dr. Phil episode I recently viewed.

AJE-2010-09-17-21-17 – Mom’s uncertain future — her acutely uncertain future. How much time I thought I had when younger but now realize just how little it actually was.

AJE-2010-09-15-19-05- Mom’s sadness and worry. They’re treating her for that and her loss of movement in her legs.

AJE-2010-09-08-10-45 – More from last night on my growing doubts about my dream of attaining fulfillment in love. I wonder after trying for so long and so hard, if it will ever come true or, if it can ever come true. Perhaps I already have it as good as it gets.

AJE-2010-09-07-21-45 – Recorded on east porch at home. Fall is coming. The crickets are many and loud. I love this house and want to spend the remainder of my healthy years here. We had a great summer even without camp, and in spite of Mom’s health issues. Lots of good memories we made.

AJE-2010-08-29-09-58- Home from Pittsburgh. Mom is back in Altoona at her favorite nursing facility. Ambulance personnel very nice. I conversed withthem all the way home. I packed up Mom’s things and was reminded of how Mom unpacked my stuff when she had taken me to WPSBC back in 1971 for the start of my fifth grade year.

AJE-2010-08-23-12-20 – An exciting visit this morning.

AJE-2010-08-22-09-35- Mom’s miraculous improvement over the past couple days, but it’s hard to visit her.

AJE-2010-08-16-09-30 – Another walk to the Pittsburgh hospital to visit Mom.

AJE-2010-08-15-10-27 - Walk from [Emmy's] apartment to the hospital Mom is in, in Pittsburgh.

AJE-2010-08-03-06-29 - Further discussion about Mom’s current health difficulties and the emotional impact they’re having.

AJE-2010-08-01-22-14 - Mom is in the hospital again and not doing very well. In this episode, I discussed my feelings for her and how I can love her always yet not like her sometimes. I also talked of the eerie and paradoxical joy I get during a family crisis because people care more during these times. Though I like the togetherness that such problems creates, I no longer expect that it will last beyond the end of the crisis that created it.

AJE-2010-07-23-17-13 - Current status on the love quest and life in general and how better than nothing really IS better than nothing. While it may not be best, it’s definitely preferable to going life altogether alone. Then I talked of my choice to stay away from camp this year and perhaps for many summers to come. I miss camp a little but am comforted by the rightness of the decision not to go this summer.

AJE-2010-07-05-10-30- More Mom issues, gripes about drivers using cell phones while driving, and Facebook usage problems.

AJE-2010-07-01-23-20- Facebook and Mom issues and how I might proceed in each circumstance.

AJE-2010-06-27-10-50- Success so far with my current weight-loss campaign, and I brainstormed on how to improve performance of my recently-commenced AdWords campaign.

AJE-2010-06-22-10-00- Misc. items – the pavilion cleanup yesterday, AdWords setup, the need for tighter focus on my writing, the problems I’ve allowed distractions and diversions to create in this career, the push to give up added sugar and caffeine, the need for some diversion but not so much, using reading as a diversion from writing, and writing as a diversion from reading when needed, how much I love a clean pavilion, the mulberries there, incoming thunderstorm, how well the new power washer worked, yesterday’s shopping trip, choosing activities help my writing and avoiding those that do not, how household projects and small appliance repairs can distract excessively, [Emmy's] next visit next week, Facebookwritings are a good source for the blogs, swearing off sugar and caffeine by the time I hit fifty, permanent weight loss requires permanent change, my growing disillusion with female beauty, checking account balancing, and this morning’s Internet and phone outage.

AJE-2010-06-17-20-04 – More Mom gripes. Her edgy tone and fiery attitude has hurt my feelings once more. They say I should act cheerful and stupid when this happens. But I’m not cheerful, and I’m NOT stupid. Still though, if I could somehow ignore her snaps, life would indeed be happier.

AJE-2010-06-11-22-16- Blog and writing status, Mom loaned my ladder out again without my permission, and my endeavors on Facebook.

AJE-2010-05-31-21-52 – Discussed the end of [Emmy's] visit today, Mom’s recent return to driving a vehicle, and my worries over stepping up my involvement with [Judy]. I’m concerned because not only am I vulnerable to her (because thirteen years ago I found her so irresistible). But initial indications are that she’s not as immediately responsive to my emails and telephone calls as I would need her to be, in order to feel secure and satisfied in a dating relationship. All that is discussed in the Judy’s Silent Rejection piece. This means that I’ve gotten all the information needed from this journal episode.

AJE-2010-05-20-11-55 – Recorded this episode down at the pavilion (yes, it’s a pavilion day today), about restoring communication with long-time friend [Judy], the memories of her, and the joy I felt when she called me for the firs time in nearly thirteen years.

AJE-2010-05-12-11-25- More talk about avoiding needless rejection. I discussed what needless rejection is, why it’s crucial to avoid it, discovering [Kandi] on Facebook and how this clarified my position on subjecting one’s self to pointless rejections, and how brutal I’ve been to myself with my heretofore cavalier attitudes toward rejection.

AJE-2010-05-10-15-18- Found [Judy] on Facebook, and discussed my impressions of this in this episode. Haven’t talked with her in over twelve years, and I’m wondering how she’s changed, and if she and I might get together. Hmmmm.

AJE-2010-05-07-19-30 – Still writing the Avoiding Needless Rejection article. My thoughts lack clarity on precisely what needless rejectionis. So in this episode, I attempt to develop a better understanding of how to tell when taking a chance, whether you’re doing this needlessly. Usually, rejection is easy to predict. We need not be psychics to know it’s coming, and to save ourselves needless humiliation we shoud avoid taking a chance where we’re virtually certain that we’ll fail. So far, this journal entry has inspired the following posts: Combating The Shame Of Rejection, and Necessary Verses Needless Rejections.

AJE-2010-05-06-11-12 – Free-form talk about avoiding pointless rejections on one’s love quest. This is for an upcoming piece on the Tom’s Love Questblog. I took to journaling because good ideas for this are eluding me at present, and I’m hoping that gabbing about needless rejection will flush them out and elevate them to high clarity in my mind. This episode inspired the first post on avoiding needless rejection here.

AJE-2010-05-03-13-59 – Notes from this week’s therapy session. No more of these for the summer anyhow.

AJE-2010-04-27-20-03 – Yesterday’s therapy session notes, on what determines who finds whom attractive and how much of that is beyond any one person’s direct control.

AJE-2010-04-24-10-37 – Discussed my growing belief that destiny and pre-determined circumstances have a much greater effect on dating success than I first imagined, and how accepting this as truth has lessened my fear of greeting pretty ladies.

AJE-2010-04-19-14-33 – I’ll fill this in later.

AJE-2010-04-18-14-09 – Talked more about my tendency to dwell where I’m highly likely to be rejected, and I apologized to my conscience for not listening to it more, when it advised me to steer clear of certain ladies, but I did not, and wound up repeatedly hurt.

AJE-2010-04-17-11-50 – Dwelling in rejection, how I’ve been all too cavalier about subjecting myself to it needlessly, how this has hurt and scarred me emotionally, and the need to minimize rejection where possible.

AJE-2010-04-12-15-16 – More venting to therapist, and seeking help to find the right groups of folks in which I may dwell comfortably.

AJE-2010-04-10-13-15 – Today’s beautiful weather. How the fear of acting is strengthened by the stupidity of the feared act. The less sense it makes to commit an act, the more anxious about doing it I get; particularly when it comes to dating. The fear is rational. Asking for more than what current circumstances dictate is appropriate, generates excessive anxiety before the asking, and intensified feelings of shame after the asking, once rejected. Insufficient due diligence or reconnaissance before asking a lady out for example, especially if she’s given no prior indication that she’d like to receive such an invitation, aggravates the fear to ask, and bolsters the humiliation once she says no. It’s all about taking the right-sized steps to get to her heart. Take ‘em too big and you have to cope with anxiety and shame. Approaching someone in a fashion that you should have known better than to do, adds lots of bite to the rejection you get, and increases the fear of rejection the next time. Getting off the rock.

AJE-2010-04-10-01-30- Tonight’s facebookexperiences and rekindling long-lost friendships, my chain saw, [Emmy] doesn’t ask enough questions, IMHO, and I offended her by telling her so. That hurt me. Then, it was on to the question of why I must desire children to hold a lady’s hand. A little about [Lynn]. Alone and smart Vs. connected but ignorant. The rape discussion last summer, and how Mary Shelly’s story of Frankenstein well-articulates my position on how to reduce the problem of rape. Pulling away from most organizations and institutions; these things pit people against one another. My future as treasurer with the WPSBC Alumni Association. Perhaps I should shed this position.

AJE-2010-04-05-14-52 – Venting to therapist.

AJE-2010-04-04-22-45- Easter Sunday afternoon 2010, spent withsister Mary Ann and family, sister Jojo and hers, along with some of their inlaws.

AJE-2010-04-03-15-08 – Lording authoritarians and my distaste and avoidance of such roles in my life today.

AJE-2010-03-30-14-59
AJE-2010-03-30-09-07
AJE-2010-03-29-20-39
AJE-2010-03-29-11-13
AJE-2010-03-28-23-10
AJE-2010-03-20-20-11
AJE-2010-03-20-19-24
AJE-2010-03-17-13-32
AJE-2010-03-16-16-37
AJE-2010-03-16-00-03
AJE-2010-03-14-11-21
AJE-2010-03-09-18-40
AJE-2010-03-08-23-04
AJE-2010-03-08-22-36
AJE-2010-03-08-22-21
AJE-2010-03-03-18-05
AJE-2010-03-02-14-47
AJE-2010-02-25-00-10
AJE-2010-02-23-10-03
AJE-2010-02-22-10-05
AJE-2010-02-20-10-45
AJE-2010-02-12-10-20
AJE-2010-02-09-18-11
AJE-2010-02-06-11-00
AJE-2010-02-05-18-18