Tom's Diary

03:00 AM: Posted the   First Love and the Rose   piece to the   Tom’s Love Quest   blog.

05:30 PM: Journaled for a half-hour down at the pavilion, where I created audio journal episode AJE-2009-04-18-17-00. I vented some more about the hardships of living with Mom, and the warm breezes seemed to carry away all my penned up aggravation in ten minutes or so.  I love this time of year because the scents in the air are so calming and relaxing.

09:00 PM: Installed plugins on all blogs that automatically generate updated site map files whenever new posts are added, renamed, or deleted.  Click   here   for more details.

11:00 PM: Noticed that yesterday, my blogs achieved a new daily bandwidth usage high.  Click   here   for more details.

11:15 PM: Uploaded more sent email to my blogs.  Click   here,  here, and   here   for more details.

11:20 PM: Posted my views on the death pennalty.  Click   here   for more details.

11:55 PM: Posted the   WPSBC’s Main Dining Room   piece.

Tom Hesley

Related Posts

• April, 2001 Done
• Better Site Map Files
• Death Pennalty Article Posted
• February, 2001 Done
• March, 2001 Done
• New Bandwidth High: 2009-04-18
• Today’s Business: 2010-02-08
• Tom’s Love Quest: First Love and the Rose
• WPSBC’s Main Dining Room

In  Tom’s Love Quest,  I posted a story of how I tried to sway the heart of my first love toward me by giving her a rosebush that I’d dug up and potted myself. Click   here   to read it.

Tom Hesley

[Tad],

In the past few years,   [First Love]   [has] been into several ventures.

Apparently, her and [Zacca] are distributors for Herbalife natural weight loss products.

She also has a mortgage investment company [...].

She’s joined the South Hills Chamber of Commerce last year. Wow.

Also, looks like her and [Zacca] are still selling low-vision equipment, at least, on a limited scale.

[...]

Thought you’d find that interesting. Maybe [Morra] could get a Job at [their company].

Tom Hesley

Hi   [KC].

Hey, I heard that you’re retiring this year along with Dr. Simon. Is that true? If so, we should get together at least once before you go. Also, make sure you send me your away-from-work email address, because I definitely want to keep in touch.

Yes, the book is going okay. That is, at least I’m writing about 1000 words a day into it. It’s a sort of cathartic exercise, although I hope my readers won’t rib me too much for that.

Do you have any experience publishing? I’m wondering about using people’s actual names and places in the book. Most of the writing is positive and complimentary, although there are some sticky negative situations that must be described for completeness and to avoid sounding like I have the Pollyanna Syndrome. Much of my current philosophies and moral codes of living derive directly from both the positive _and_ negative experiences at WPSBC. So my thinking is that all of it must be adequately represented.

However, I wish to avoid needlessly offending anyone. It may be required to talk about the way kids used to badger [Watts] for example. Or, in order to show why I hold my current attitudes regarding women, I’d have to discuss my extraordinarily happy yet extraordinarily sad relationship with [First Love] during those years. I’m thinking that I’ll have to change all the names, just to be safe. But if I go to that length to conceal identities, I’d probably have to change the places as well; everything from the city and street names to the school name itself. Renaming [Tad] to [Bob] for example would offer little concealment if I left the school’s name unchanged. People would still know to whom I was referring if they realize that I’m a 1979 WPSBC graduate. What are your thoughts?

Speaking of your 37 years of employment, I think our class had you in 5th grade for TDL. We were one of the first ones to be taught by you (1971-1972) That just seems like yesterday. It really does. I also remember you skating in the old gym with the kids. That was a sad day when they tore that building down. Luckily, I have numerous pictures of it that I snapped in 1986, although I have none of the inside of it. Were you ever a photo buff, and did you take many pictures of the school in the 70s? [Ann] has quite a few, and with today’s computer technology, it would be a cool project to assemble an electronic scrap book of our era at WPSBC.

Thanks for writing back, and do write again soon.

Later,
Tom Hesley

Dear [Mentat],

Yes, I used to play that song [Ring The Living Bell, by Melanie] and I do have it on CD – on one of her greatest hits ones. The song was a minor hit in this country, making it to #31 in early 1972. But I really loved it, as you may recall by how often I played it.

I sent your email address to Ken. Wasn’t sure if he got it or not, as he hasn’t responded to me. But I’m glad to hear that you two are hooked up in email now.

About Rich Parker: I’ve been thinking about him and how close-minded and judgmental he can be, and how often he puts people down. Soon after we three moved in together in 1979, I stopped liking him because he acts like such a know-it-all, and hasn’t the first clue of how to truly support another. He seems to walk over top of people, and never with them. He didn’t like when I got with [Dawn], and   [First Love]   back then, offering nary an encouraging word.

All through the eighties, I listened to him imposing his view of the world on others. I knew there was a reason I stopped making efforts to keep his and my friendship going. And his 2004 Christmas party brought it all back to me.

These days, I’m not very tolerant of people who make me mad. So I’m thinking that I’m not going to attend any more of his parties, because I only want to surround myself with people who are accepting and supportive of how I run my life. He’s never been that.

Now there were times that he’s been generous with his money and hospitality, as you know. But I’ve not once known him to be sincerely understanding of others’ plights. It surprises me that given the way he so-often humiliates [his cousin] in front of people, that [Robert] hasn’t told him to take a hike a long time ago. Well, I don’t plan on having anything further to do with him.

Anyway, I hope school is going well for you so far. I’ll be calling you within the next couple weeks to “check in.”

Take care.

Tom Hesley

Hi, [KC] !

Well, as the old saying goes, better late, than never. I wondered when, or if I’d ever hear from you. I figured that I had sufficiently shocked / miffed you with my ramblings [about First Love being gay], that you thought it best just to not respond at all. Wasn’t sure just how much you knew about [her] and [Zacca] and wanted to make sure you were “up to speed” so that we both can converse on the same page.

I hope I didn’t come across like I was slamming [First Love] for the life style choices she’s made. After all, I consider myself quite liberal and accepting of a richly diverse set of life styles and practices. Thus, as she and I discussed years ago, I really do wish her all the happiness she’s capable of creating for herself. I hold nothing against her for her choice in love partners, and fully supported her relationship with [Zacca], and told her that too. I’ve long since made peace with the fact that [she] and I will never again be involved romantically.

The extremely painful part of this though, was that she has excluded all of us from her life in any personal capacity. Now I know that as we grow and change in life, we become more individualized and refined in our desires, and in the choices for friends we make. Certainly, I don’t keep company with the same types of people these days, as I did when I was 20. Perhaps [she] felt, once she began her work [...] in the late 80s, that she didn’t have enough in common with us to exert the energy necessary to keep those old school ties alive. I understand that very well and fully respect her wishes. Further, I believe that where I am concerned, B[my first love] is walking an interesting tightrope with [Zacca]. [Zacca] knows of [First Love's] and my romantic history, and that we lived together for a time after high school. So, [she] may feel threatened anytime I enter into [First Love's] sphere of living. It may be that [First Love] is doing what she can to avoid hurting [Zacca's] feelings, and so, is avoiding me to that end, so that [Zacca] doesn’t think [First Love] and I have something going on. Not sure though. I just wish [First Love] would have explained.

But no matter. [She's] doing her thing, and we are all doing ours. Sad that we can’t communicate. But that’s the way life is sometimes. Whoever said that life was supposed to be fair, really had no idea of the concept of life I suspect. The only time life was ever fair was in your 8th grade classroom. Since then, it’s been a bitch.

No, really, things are going quite well. I just moved to Altoona, PA from Philly. Philadelphia taxes were killing me, and the last two apartments I lived in there were very noisy – loud neighbors. Further, I’m contemplating a career change from software engineering, to freelance writing. Working on creating a port folio of articles, short stories, “Dear Mother” letters, song lyrics, and so on, that I hope to begin offering to publishers early in 2004. As you probably know, career changes are costly endeavers and since I can live much more cheaply here in Altoona, moving here for the next several years seemed the prudent course.

I hope to get to Pittsburgh again sometime later this year. If I come, will let you know. It was great seeing [Tad] again, and you too. I’m really looking forward to visiting again.

Later.

Tom Hesley

Dear   [Tad],

On my Pittsburgh trip: I’ve requested vacation for the beginning of April, to come to “The ‘Burgh” to see you,  [Mentat],  Rich, and   [First Love]. The plan is for me to come there on Saturday, March 31st, and leave on Saturday, April 7th. A couple of these days would be spent with you, a couple with   [Mentat], a day or two with Rich, and the remainder of the time with   [First Love] (assuming I can get in contact with her). Let me know if this is okay for you, and which days during this period you’d like me to stay with you. Also, would you ask   [LC]   and   [Elstan]   if they’d care to meet with me at some point during this trip? I’ve not talked with either one in over 10 years. Yep. It’s definitely time to catch up with them. Thanks much.

Tom

Dear   [Lynn],

There were some email problems at work over the weekend that probably were what prevented my Saturday email from reaching you until Sunday. I’ll hold off on sending much more until you catch up.

Hope your day is going well.

Some of those emails I sent over the weekend, I had to send again. They were bounced back by, one of the many, email gateways between me and you.

How about sending me your phone number and a good time to call you (tonight or tomorrow or whenever), and I’ll call then.

Yep. Got a bathtub and a shower. In my house, I had 1 bathtub / shower combo, in the auxiliary bathroom, a standup shower. Now one apartment in which I lived during 1983 only had a shower. Not good. I love my baths in that hot water. Aaaaaah. All my other apartments had tubs.

So, do you like baths or showers? In your current situation, I guess you have to like showers, ‘eh?

My youngest sister, Joann, and her husband, have a hot tub in their back yard. The often go winter dipping. A couple years ago, we went when it was about 15 degrees. Couldn’t even tell it was cold once you were in the water. But man, when you got out – my teeth are still chattering.

Yep. Some of what you say about working with the earth rings familiar. Back in school, we had a couple greenhouses, and the students helped landscape around the campus, with the plants grown there. We did roses, tulips, geraniums, begonias, crocuses, and daffodils. Once I gave my first love an entire rose bush we had grown. That sure turned out to be rather controversial – being that we were only in 7th grade and all. Amazing how so many girls came to ask how I could give such a powerful gift. Though I don’t take much initiative when it comes to planting flowers and such, when working with someone who doesn’t mind directing me, I really enjoy it. It’s fun to help them make their plant vision into reality.

Nope. Haven’t changed those smoke detector batteries yet. But I just did them a few months ago so they should be okay until spring.

Actually, I didn’t wait around. As far as I was concerned, it was over as soon as I got back to Philly. But she kept emailing and calling and crying until finally, I had to listen, just to make her leave me alone. But you’re right. No need to go into that any further.

No, never easy. Sometimes I wonder. If I could banish this interest in companionship with a lady from my life, if I’d really do it. On occasion, I think I would. The search for the soul mate has, after all, been the single greatest source of pain in my life. But it has also been the single biggest contributor to my happiness. Go figure. Love really is full of irony, isn’t it. I’ve really been lucky with meeting reasonably good ladies over all though.

Yes, and I’m LOOMING over the telephone right now, wondering if I should call you, or wait until later. How bout I call you ‘round 9:00 tonight? How bout I loom for you?

You’re of a playful sort, aren’t ya.

You’re a Luminaire.

Nope. Don’t feel like stepping onto the soap box tonight. But I do agree with what you said about single sex education giving the pupil, perhaps the wrong impression of how the world at large, is. But on the other hand, integrated education may teach (although not in so many words) that men are to be just like women and that women are to be just like men. That’s not good either. But more on that some other time. I’m so tired.

Hmmm, now there’s a peculiar mix. Chocolate covered sacred cows. You would not likely find these in Grandma’s Christmas candy dish.  

By the way, the word ‘connotation’ has two Ns. You were correct.

Yes, the word ‘cute’ indeed can be perceived negatively. It’s a rather non descriptive word that lots of teens use to describe everything from mates to shoes. It is probably the reason that so many other, more descriptive adjectives were invented. People simply got tired of hearing about so many things being CUTE. A writing teacher once said that describing something / someone as ‘cute’ was the lazy man’s way of answering the challenge to articulate one’s feelings about the target object. She was probably right.

Well, off to bed with me. Talk to you tomorrow.

By the way, you’re cute. Hey, I’m tired. That makes me lazy. What can I say?

Wanted to say again how pleasant it was chatting with you tonight. We seem to have some definite views / beliefs in common. Looking forward to learning more.

‘night.

Tom Hesley

New Years day, 1991. I’d bussed it back to Dayton prior to New Years Eve to attend a party with Hane and her friends from her work. This morning, Mom called to give us the news. Hane had stayed with me at my condo on Betsy Ross Circle New years Eve night. So I was not alone and Hane was a great source of comfort. I was glad that Hane was with me.   [First Love] was with me when Gram Jewell died on July 21st, 1980. Now, Hane was for this sad occasion.

I didn’t cry for Gram Hesley though. She was a nice lady. But she and I never grew as close as Gram Jewell and me. I did feel bad for her though that she spent so much of her final years alone in her little house on a Bellwood, PA hillside. This bothered her to be sure, as I occasionally overheard her lamenting about it to Dad or his siblings.

Gram Hesley was a devout Christian, and so I think her beliefs gave her much comfort as her health declined and she became stricken with arthritis. Congestive heart failure claimed her life this morning during the night, and I’m told that she died a peaceful death.

Sometimes, I regret not knowing her better. She seemed easy-going and caring. Well, perhaps one day, I’ll get a chance to reacquaint myself with her.

Tom Hesley

Related Posts

• Gram Jewell Died

I received a call from Mom at 4:30 this morning, informing me that Grandma Jewell  passed away. 

It took several hours for the message to sink in, and during that time, I experienced no urge to cry.  In fact, I felt no sadness whatsover at first.  What I felt instead was shame and guilt, over not having a stronger, more teary reaction to this (what should have been) very sad news. 

I justified my lacking emotion with the assurance that we’ve known since February that Gram would soon die, and that in all those months since, I had already mourned her coming death as much as I was going to.  So there should be no tears left to cry now.  Also, [First Love] and I had just made up from a fight the previous evening; a disagreement over which I cried profusely.  Thus, simply put: I reasoned that I was all cried out, though I pondered more than a few times this morning, over the notion that I wasn’t crying over Gram, because I’m just a cold person who cares not a bit about this wonderful woman, who gave so much of herself to me over the past nineteen years.

But then, as I lay there in our queen-sized bed, looking up at the yellowed ceiling tiles, and watching the new day growing brighter through the windows, I began drifting in and out of sleep, and dreaming.  I dreamed of Mom’s call, when she said, “Your grandmother died.”  The phrase, “she died,” kept playing over and over in my mind, and growing louder each time.  “She died.  She died, … SHE DIED!”  Mom was screaming the phrase at me at this point as if to ask, “What’s the matter with you?  I just told you that your grandmother died, and you just sit there like a lump, all cold and collected.  Didn’t she ever mean anything to you?” 

I woke up at the last, “SHE DIED!” scream, and then, I was crying, like a baby.  The full and harsh reality of Mom’s call a couple hours ago came upon me then, and I cried for the better part of an hour; not just a whimper, but a full-fledged, all-out cry; not quite hysterical, but close.

[First Love] comforted me as best she could, knowing that this was my first time losing a grandmother.  But I think the depth of my sorrow surprised her.  She never knew Gram, and I hadn’t talked much about Gram with [First Love] in all the ten years that I’ve known her.  Nonetheless, I cried so many tears throughout this awful day. that [First Love] realized just how much Gram meant to me.  If [First Love] ever thought me to be a heartless man before, I trust now that any doubts she may have had about how strongly I can feel, were put to rest this morning.

I’ll be heading home to be with the family this afternoon, on the 5:45 PM Greyhound bus.

Tom Hesley

Related Posts

• Gram Hesley Died
• Why Do I Stay?