From audio journal episode: AJE-2010-02-23-10-03.
I thought I’d take this time to record a journal entry, while [Emmy] showers. You know, with these small apartments such as this one where [Emmy] lives, there are far fewer opportunities for private recording of one’s thoughts than what I’m used to at home. So I must time the recording to avoid her hearing me. As it is, these private opportunities happen only once per day for around a half-hour at a stretch in this one-bedroom dwelling. So while she’s getting clean, here I am, availing myself of one of these special periods right now.
So let’s see. What can I talk about today?
I think the vacation so far is wonderful. I’m getting a chance to allow my frustrations from caring for Mom in Altoona to settle down a little. I heard this morning on the news that care-giving can cause a great deal of stress among couples or singles doing the care-giving, and between the caregiver and the cared-for person. Whether a couple takes in a third person to care for (such as a spouse’s parent) or one member of the couple itself becomes infirm or disabled, caring for them on an ongoing and frequent basis creates difficulties in the relationship, even among the most selfless of individuals.
The big piece of advice they gave on the show for coping with these conditions was to openly and honestly communicate with all parties involved with the caregiving, before the need to care-give arises, if possible. Sometimes, tha’s not possible, especially when an unforeseen tragedy occurs that disables a loved one; like a car accident or a heart attack. But the show advised that while everyone’s still healthy, they should have this discussion, about the potential impositions that the care-giving might create.
Now Mom and I discussed some of this at the outset of our current arrangement, when I moved home with her in 2001. The deal was that I’d live there rent-free in exchange for me taking care of her property and, should the time ever come, caring for her as well. Yes, I signed up for this.
However, as we found, communication isn’t the only major factor in creating a pleasant care-giving situation. In our case, we could have communicated fully beforehand, without ever having actually experienced the stresses of caregiving as well as care-receiving before. Yet, we’d still likely find that once we got into it, that there are some unavoidable and unforeseeable frustrating aspects of care-giving to cope with, no matter how good the intentions of those involved, and no matter how much they talked about them ahead of time. I believe that it’s always true that you learn way more about a situation once you actually delve into it than you could ever know about it before actually experiencing it. Thus when discussing a futuristic care-giving situation, you’re really chatting from a standpoint of ignorance because you really don’t know what’s ahead, unless of course, you’ve done it before. But even then, the dynamics of each care-giving situation differ enough to make each encounter with it unique. Each situation presents its own set of unique, unanticipated, and unchangable challenges.
Thus, due to this ignorance about what’s to come, advance communication about it only works so well to calm the waters ahead, because it will only reveal so much about the sorts of hardships one might have to face. Now I would agree that communication is a necessary first step to alleviating the stresses that subsequent caregiver roles create. But talking openly won’t solve all the potential pitfalls. I think that with Mom and I, our communication, no matter how openly and candidly we discussed the issue, would not have solved the problems getting along that we’re having right now. Why? She and I have basically different personality types. Though we share many similar, key values, we’re very different from one another nonetheless. I’m very much the type-a sort of personality, and she exemplifies a type-b one. She cares a lot less about detail than I do. This causes her many problems of course, in her unwillingness to carefully manage her medicines.
Indeed, I’m afraid to loan her my electronic devices because I know how careless she is with them. I remember one time I had an external disk drive that held all the music for my DJ business in her car. Somehow, she spilled some chocolate pudding all over the front half of it. Then, to make matters worse, she emersed the whole unit in a sink full of soapy water to clean it up rather than just wiping it off with a clean, damp cloth. Oh, when I learned of this, I became quite angry. This is but one of many prime examples of the sorts of frustrations that I must deal with on an ongoing basis with her.
But still, as I mentioned in my recent letter to her parents a couple weeks ago, I love her a great deal in spite of her carelessness. So unless she becomes malevolent or dangerous, I’ll stay with her until the end. Indeed, it will probably take that long before my writing earns me the kind of money needed to purchase the total independence that I enjoyed while working as a lead software engineer. Besides, I could never stand by and watch her flounder; not when I’m capable of helping her, no matter how idiotically she behaves at times. Thus, I can’t solve these frustrations by leaving.
So the question is: How do I cope with the near-constant head-butting with Mom? How do I keep it from angering me? I can’t control or change her because she’s proven over and over again that she simply will not be controlled, nor will she change appreciably. She’s defiant and until recently, notably non compliant. It’s just her nature I guess, and so I realize that this cannot easily be changed. Nor can I immediately deal with these irritants by changing myself either. I am who I am, and so, I’ll always consider the details more critical than she does. I predict that I’ll always become frustrated (at least a little) when her lack of attention to detail gets her into trouble with her meds. Though accepting her for the person she is has reduced my stress levels some, I still get stressed, and that stress reaches high crescendos just prior to vacations. So the goal is to make myself more impervious to her antics.
One way to do that is take periodic breaks, just like I used to do at work. Care-giving is in fact a job of sorts, because there are always new challenges, new things to consider, and new procedures and thought processes to document (as with her med sheets) and implement (as with the pill and physical therapy schedules). So this ought to be treated like a job. While this is a job born of love, it still is a job nonetheless, fraught with all the stresses of full-time work. I like this job though much better than software engineering, because it offers more flexibility. I get to pick each day what I want to work on for the most part, without a boss critiquing my choices. Plus, I can change my mind and work on something else, mid-stream if I so desire. One can’t do this as much in a corporate setting. In those circumstances, you work on the same two to four things until they’re finished, which can take years sometimes. With care-giving and home maintenance, I can switch off tasks to a large degree and not be held so accountable for the things I did not finish. So caring for Mom is quite a bit better than the software job I had until 2003 because though it still stresses me, overall, it’s much less stressful.
Yet, caregiving is still a job, in spite of its increased do-what-y0u-want-to-do culture. So, I need to cope with the downsides of this job just as I did when working in software. When I got overly frustrated at work, I took vacations, and this is what should be done now, in my care-giving role.
So here I am, out at [Emmy]‘s, and I think that this will really be quite a therapeutic time; it will recharge me, restoring my reasonably good levels of tolerance. Plus, it will fire my excitement to do what’s needed around the house this spring; my next work stent at home. Because of their rejuvenating effects, I hale vacations. People who like taking them are not lazy. In fact, they’re smart because they recognize that vacations are an effective coping mechanism for dealing with frequently and chronically unpleasant yet unchangeable circumstances. They keep frustration from totally consuming me. When I reach the breaking point, I take a break, which is what I’m doing right now. I love changes of scenery, and I’m certainly enjoying this one.
More later.
Take care.
Tom Hesley
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