Dr. Phil Episode Notes: Commit Or Quit
Wednesday, March 23rd, 201104:00 PM: Today, I watched the Dr. Phil episode Commit or Quit! episode, and have included the notes I took from the show.
Segment 1
Summary: Couple has been dating for three years. She want to marry soon but he does not. She says she’ll leave if he does not marry her. But he says he’s been seriously hurt before and wants to avoid that by not getting married. Then, another female guest marries a fellow who appears to already be married to another. Yet she’s still sleeping with him. Grrrr.
They have a long carpet with rose petals on it as Dr. Phil walks out onto the stage tossing petals of his own.
Josie and Curry are the first guests. Will he agree to marry her or will she have to move on to someone else who will commit?
Josie says that she’s tired of waiting for Curry to propose. She told him to either “commit or quit,” and if he won’t commit, then to “hit the road, Jack, and don’t come back.” She wishes not to continue wasting time waiting for him if he’s never going to marry her anyway. His reluctance to commit befuddles Josie, as she’s loved him the best she can, and is thus, totally committed to him. But she indicated that she would indeed break up with him if he does not marry her. She waited so long for Curry because she did not want to end things too soon; he might come around after all.
Curry says in essence, that he’s not committing because of how badly his ex wife treated him. He says that he loves Josie and that Josie is in no part to blame for his reluctance to marry her. His last marriage was hell and he doesn’t want to repeat it. Nor does he want to assume any responsibility for Josie’s happiness. He also fears that while he and Josie are getting along great now, how will they handle things going bad in the future if that happens? Curry thinks Josie embodies the ultimate in attractiveness and that if he did marry Josie, that he’d definitely be wedding way above himself. So it’s not that he things he could have a prettier woman that’s preventing him from committing.
Curry explains that he and Josie currently have the own (separate) places and that they’re in a long-distance relationship. He’s in Las Vegas and she’s in Seattle. He lived in Seattle when he met Josie but due to a job layoff, he had to move away to take another job.
Dr. Phil says that Curry must not think Josie his ultimate woman, for if he did, he’d marry her immediately, hands down. So he asked Curry to explain his hesitation to marry Josie. Dr. Phil suggests that Curry indeed wants to get married, but not to Josie. He fully acknowledges that Josie has given this relationship her best. But considering the way that Curry has responded to her (delaying marriage for quite a long time), it seems that Josie’s best is not good enough for Curry.
Next, Dr. Phil tells why he thinks Curry is avoiding commitment with Josie.
Segment 2
Curry fears the plainness that results from fading intimacy in a marriage over time, as is what happened to him in his last marriage. He fears repeating this scenario with Josie. He’s also concerned about differences between them that might surface once they live together as husband and wife. He misses Josie very much now that so many miles separate them. He’s gun shy due to his own traumatizing marriage experience.
Josie wants to marry Curry with all her heart and spend the rest of her life with him. But she will not live with him before they’re married; it’s her beliefs that prevent this.
Dr. Phil points out that it’s not the actual event of marriage that Curry is fearing; but rather, it’s what he’s telling himself about marriage and what he believes about it that’s keeping him from giving Josie a wedding ring. He thinks that Curry has formed some negative generalizations about marriage and women that has exacerbated his fear of marriage to a woman. He spends much of this segment listing those for Curry on a white board. But Curry’s hurtful previous marriage experiences, Dr. Phil told him that he needs to man up and marry Josie, or value her enough to let her go to find another man who will. Dr. Phil noted that though he’s divorced from his ex wife, Curry is still controlled by his thoughts of her.
Segment 3
Dr. Phil took a poll and discovered that 46 percent of voters say that Curry should commit and 54 percent think that he and Josie should not try to make it work any longer. He says that so many voted against continuing because of Curry’s hesitation, and they don’t think you can argue with someone to persuade them to want to marry if they do not really want that within themselves. Marriages are difficult enough when both people go into them wanting to be married. But one of the partners not wanting it would make keeping the marriage too difficult to manage for all but the most dedicated (and perhaps, foolish) of individuals.
Josie says that she will not move to Las Vegas to be with Curry unless he marries her. She’s annoyed and angry that Curry has forced her to wait so long. She feels that she’s given him the utmost in honesty and dedication for more than three years now. Yet he still does not want to commit. She feels that she’s “not good enough” for him, though she’s offered him her best. She says she’s ready to find someone else if he will not marry her right away. Josie is also fed up with all the expense of traveling and juggling schedules to visit him in Las Vegas.
Next: A new guest did get married but soon found out that her marriage was a farce.
Segment 4
Melissa thought she had the perfect wedding under her belt, but then discovered that the whole thing was faked by her fiancé. She eventually went to the court house to locate her marriage certificate, and that’s when she discovered that her marriage was not real. Melissa says that her fiancé fibs constantly. She and John were “married” in August, 2009. But every time she tried talking with John about her suspicions, he’d become angry and evasive. He would not be considered a criminal because the wedding to Melissa was not a real wedding; had no legally binding properties about it.
John is the man who conned her two years ago. He withheld information about his previous three marriages, as well as that the third one was still in effect. He kept inventing excuses for why he could not show Melissa the marriage certificate.
Next: John will provide his side of this twisted and very sad story.
Segment 5
Dr. Phil asked Melissa is she’s still having sex with John. He suggested that since John chose not to appear on the show, that he must not really want to straighten things out with Melissa. If he did want to sincerely apologize to Melissa and set things right at the deepest levels of her being, then he would have come and apologized, answered hers and Dr. Phil’s tough questions, and explained his reasons for the lies. Dr. Phil offered Melissa some help to recover from this affair, by herself, and not with John.
Melissa says that John gave her a fake diamond ring (a cubic zirconia stone), though he told her it was a real diamond. But she didn’t care about how much the ring cost per se as long as it came from his heart. But his misrepresenting the ring bothered Melissa way more than the cheapness of the ring he gave her. She’s reluctant to totally cut John off however, because she depends on him for his money. There’s a daughter to consider, and so, Melissa feels that she’s stuck with John for the present. She, after some delay, answered yes about still having sex with John. She justified this, claiming that it was better than nothing at all, particularly since she had gone for quite along time without John, once she learned of his deceptions.
John chose not to appear on the show after some waffling. But he did talk to the Dr. Phil staff over the phone. He admits to lying about the wedding to Melissa. He continuing telling falsehoods, fearing that Melissa would leave him were he to be forthcoming. He lied to his sister about his eligibility to be married to Melissa (his sister performed the ceremony), telling her that he in fact had the marriage license when in fact, he did not. He says that his sister did not know that he was still married.
Roxanne, Melissa’s friend and brides made thinks that Melissa should indeed get John out of her life.
Next: A couple gets scammed by their wedding planner for $30,000.
Segment 6
They showed a news segment that detailed the scam.
The scammer had been in jail for doing a similar deed to another couple, and upon her release, she preyed on Tina.
Tina found the scammer on some wedding web site and looked into six provided references. All of them checked out. When asked what she would do differently the next time around, Tina says that she would not hire the scammer again.
Dr. Phil introduced the concept of non directional venting. This can happen when anger toward the scammer is unintentionally refocused at the partner. He advised them to be very careful not to voice anger at each other that’s meant for the situation itself. Tina admits that the scam has put much stress on their marriage, as it ended up costing them close to double for their wedding. They should not focus the general stress of this wedding scam at each other. Dr. Phil gave them a honeymoon vacation package to perhaps replace some of their bad wedding memories with delightful ones.
Segment 7
Dr. Phil returns to Curry and Josie, wondering whether Curry had decided to go ahead and Marry Josie, though he states that Curry need not decide here and now, on the show. He wants them to return home and consider all that was said on the show. He wants Curry to stop the over generalizing about his failed first marriage, and to stop allowing thoughts of how nasty his ex wife was to keep him from enjoying the love of a better lady (Josie). Finally, he told Curry that he either should wed with Josie or step back and let her get on with her life.
Curry has not yet elected to marry Josie. Curry feels badly for Melissa.
Okay, that’s the end of this episode.
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